New Year, New Perspective!

Happy New Year everyone!  I am so very happy to start a new year!  I'm ready to leave 2013 in the past where it belongs.  So here's to an absolutely awesome 2014!

While I feel like a large part of 2013 was full of the mistakes I've made, I also feel like it was filled with a lot of success.  After all, it was my year of firsts.  It's the first time since I became an adult that I was not married.  It was the first time I have ever lived alone, EVER!  It's the first time I have ever been totally responsible for myself.  It's the first time I could do exactly what I want to do and not do what I don't want to.  It's the first time I didn't have to think about anyone else when making a decision. It's the first time I was forced to look deep inside myself and try to figure out who I am and what I want.  (I'm still working on that one!) It's the first time I really had to face the demons of my past and work on moving on to new beginnings!  It's the first time I realized just how blessed I am!

I don't make New Years resolutions.  I feel like it's just a set up for failure, but this year I've decided to set a few goals for myself. I'm determined to have fun reaching as many of them as possible by the years end!

I broke two iPhones in 2013, so here's to trying not to break any in 2014!  I don't want to spend any more time at the Apple Store.  Besides that, they are expensive to replace!

I'm declaring this my Happiness Year!  I know that there will be situations and people that will try to rain down on my happiness, but God says ALL things work together for the good, so I'm going to do my best when that happens, to walk away, take deep breaths, stop and ask God to show me the good that I need to see.  I've actually had a couple of situations come up very recently, so it gave me good practice.  Thing is, it worked perfectly.  Normally I would have been very upset, but instead I just talked to God about it and let the frustrations go.  I could see that I was given the perfect opportunity to understand God at work in my life.

I'm also going to be very kind to myself. I'm going to give myself a break. I'm going to stop judging myself so harshly. I'm going to stop demanding perfection from myself.   I realize that the mistakes I've made are just that, mistakes.  They happened so that I could learn from them, not beat myself up for them!  Thanks to my awesome baby sister, Karan for reminding me of that!  This is what she said, "The Bible says God is creating a work in us from the time we're born until we die.  It's about learning from the lesson and continuing to move forward!"  Wow!  I love her!

I'm going to indulge my inner princess!  I know I'm a princess because my Father, God, is The King of  Kings and that makes me a princess!  There are so many things I can do to make her happy!  I want her to smile on the inside so brightly that I can't contain myself on the outside!  I never realized I had an inner princess.  I found her when I learned to love myself over the last two years!  She is awesome and she deserves the best of everything!


I'm going to work diligently to erase some of my fears. I'm tired of fear sitting on my shoulder telling me what I can't do.  God says ALL things are possible!  Now, I have a lot of fears, so I'm going to start small.  I figure that way, I can sneak up on myself and conquer them before my mind realizes what I have done!  After all, it's my mind that works hard to remind me of all the things I'm afraid of and that I couldn't possibly do.

I'm bubbling over with excitement and anticipation waiting to see what God has planned for me this year!  Life is to be lived and I've decided I have been complacent way too long.  I am no longer going to accept mediocre to define my life.  I'm ready to learn to live my life with so much enthusiasm and happiness that I don't recognize myself anymore!

ThiS Is My HaPpiNeSs YeAr!

2013

I have been trying to go to sleep for many hours and realize that I cannot do that until I say what I need to say.  It is almost the end of 2013.  For me, 2013 was a very important year.  It was the first year of my independence!  It was the first year that I can say I was free.  I was free to become the person I want to be. I had such high expectations for 2013.  I am very much disappointed.  I am burdened and saddened by the results, or lack of results 2013 held for me.

I have spent all of 2013 trying to figure out just who I am.  Seeing that 2014 is almost here, I have to say that 2013 was a miserable failure in that regard.  I have tried so hard to find myself.  In 365 days, I still am not any closer to finding out who I am and what I want my life to be.  I have made so many mistakes.  Mistakes that I really regret.  I have apologies to make.  I would like to erase the mistakes of 2013 if I could.  There are friendships that I loved and cherished, but I have lost.  There are so many things that I just don't know how to fix myself, but I hope God will show me the way.  There are mistakes that I have made that I can't take back.  There are people that I have hurt in my quest to find out who I am.  I understand that all these mistakes were lessons, but that still doesn't make it any easier.

What I have learned is that I am complex.  My life is complex. My past is complex.   My world is complex.  My pain and my healing are complex.  There is no simple, easy answer.  Just when I think I have a handle on my new life, I realize that I am no closer to finding answers than I was 12 months ago.  I so want to figure it all out.  I so want to go to bed at night, happy to be me.

I am too gullible.  I am too easily distracted.  I easily fall for the wrong person hoping that the answer to my life's questions lie in this person.  I easily give up my list of expectations in lieu someone else's approval.  I want love so badly that I accept whoever comes my way and do not question anything until I realize that I am in way over my head.  That is not an excuse.  I just realize that this is what I've been doing for 365 days.  For that, I am very sorry.  I was

determined to figure it out so fast.  Now I realize that this is going to take some time.

In 2014, I am determined not to repeat the mistakes of 2013.  I am stubborn and hard headed, this I know, but at the end of the coming year, I will have made progress. I refuse to accept defeat.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse to turn my back on the joy and fulfilling life I know God has planned for me.

Thank you to all of my family and friends who have granted me grace and mercy while I have tried to figure this out.  I promise that I am going to be diligent in my quest this year.  God loves me way too much for me to give up.  2014 will be a success!  It has to be!

2014 Is My Year!

BLeSsinNgS!

Today I woke up feeling so blessed!  I'm not really sure why the feeling is so strong today.  I decided God must have something for me to learn and share, so here goes!

The sun is so bright today and I'm solar powered so I am feeling energized today!  More than that though, I am feeling overwhelmingly loved!  It is so strong that I feel like my body cannot hold it all.  I love that feeling!  It's like I'm bursting at the seams! 

I am so blessed to have two wonderful children.  They have amazing lives.  They have amazing spouses and dare I say, I have 5 of the most beautiful and absolutely amazing grandchildren!  I am overwhelmed with joy that I have the honor of being their mother and their Nana.  Words cannot express how much love I have for all of them.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful guy in my life!  Not long ago I didn't think that was possible.  I know God orchestrated it all, of course!  The fact that God loves me that much takes my breath away.  Every day I am amazed that this is my new life!  Wow!  Me!  Really!  Me!  This is where my journey is leading me!  I get to know that I am loved!  Wow!  I am overwhelmed!  I never thought I was worth love.  While that thought saddens me for a moment, I understand that I had to be there to get here!  And I love it here!

I guess what I want you to know is that my journey has been long and it has been tough.  Maybe you feel the same way.  Maybe you can't understand why things happen, I know I couldn't either. Maybe you have grown weary.  I know there were times I have been so weary and wanted to give up.  Because I have been there, I can tell you to be strong and persevere!  It is so worth it.  To finally be where you are supposed to be and to realize how blessed you are!  I know the lessons I had to learn were hard and I repeated so many of them over and over again.  Looking back though, I can see it was all leading me here, feeling so blessed.


 It took me a very long time to be willing to put down my life and my circumstances and give them to God.  I realize now that God has been trying to get me to let Him have His will and His way in my life for a very long time.  I thought I could do a better job than God!   Really, Cyndi?

I know now the biggest blessing I have is that I finally get it!  I am very happy and relieved to let God do what He wants with me!  I trust God completely and that is an awesome feeling!  Today I got to realize just how blessed I am!  WoW!  I pray the same for you!  You are Awesome!

I Am Blessed!

Am I A Superhero or What?

I never thought of myself as a superhero! But maybe I am!  Let's see!  I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I can't bend steal with my bare hands. I can't run faster than a locomotive.  I definitely don't change into my superhero clothes in a phone booth.

But here's what I can do.  I can stay up all night with a sick child and then go to work with no sleep for days on end.  I can vacuum, do 5 loads of laundry, mow the lawn, clean the bathrooms, run the kids to activities, prepare a great dinner, and clean up the kitchen with no help, all in the same day! I can smell a sale a mile away   I can shop till I drop, go home to rest,  get a call to go back out shopping, and go shopping again!  Now that's stamina!  I can organize the un-organizable!  I can inspire when I don't feel inspirational.  I can laugh when crying is what I want to do.  I can be a great mother even when I don't think I know how.  I can love the at times, seemingly unlovable.  I will stand up for what I believe is right.  I can be strong when I'm at my weakest.  I will put my big girl panties on and stand firm for what I believe in when I'm too tired to stand.  I will walk or run even though I feel like I can barely crawl.

What I've just described is what many of us do every day.  I do think I'm a superhero and I think you are too.  We are women.  We are the glue that holds our families together when everything around us is falling apart.  And that doesn't mean just those of us who are or were married.  That's most women.  We hold businesses together and are amazingly productive.  We multi-task multi-tasking!  When everything in our world is crumbling, we find the strength to carry on.

My superhero's name is Cyndi Claire!  She is my alter ego!  After all isn't that what a superhero is?  It's what you wish you were capable of being or doing.  She is awesome.  She is strong!  She is invincible!  She will persevere!  She is not afraid of anything!  She is everything Cyndi is not.  When I need her, I put on my superhero cape (Seriously, it's only an imaginary cape.  What fashion conscience woman would wear a real cape?) and I become Cyndi Claire!  My hero!

I found out I was a superhero when my daughter and I had our business together several years ago.  We got our mail one day and an envelope came addressed to Cyndi Claire.  That's when my daughter, Heather said that must be my alter ego.  Heather always tells me to bring Cyndi Claire out when Cyndi can't do something.  I love Cyndi Claire!  When I'm in a situation that I'm uncomfortable with or trying to do something I'm afraid to do, I whisper to myself, " Ok Cyndi Claire, I need you.  You can do this!" Believe it or not, it gives me the courage I need!

What does Cyndi Claire look like?  I'm not sure but since I'm only 5"1',  you can bet she's much taller than that!  And she's in great shape and she has long legs!  She's probably a blonde, or maybe a redhead.  I've always wanted to be a blonde, or a redhead! Stop laughing!  She's my superhero!  You can let your superhero look any way you want to!

So to answer the question, "Do I think I'm a superhero?"  I absolutely do!  And so are you!  So to all my superhero friends out there fighting all the battles set in front of you today, fight on!  And if you need a little help, just let me know.  Cyndi Claire is always ready for battle and just a whisper away!

Cyndi Claire to the Rescue!

My Bucket List!

In an earlier blog I talked about wanting to create my Bucket List!  So what do I think a bucket list is?  I think it's all the things I've never gotten to do or even all the things I want to feel, before I die!  Maybe I didn't get to do them because I didn't have enough money or maybe because I'm too afraid!  Maybe I didn't get to do them because I didn't have the support or encouragement to do them!  Maybe I didn't think what I wanted was important enough. 

There are also many feelings I'd like to experience.  Some of them I thought I had felt at different times in my life.  Now I realize that was not the case.  For that reason, I also included them.  For me, they are as important as what I've never done.  Fear has been instilled in me for a long, long time, but I think it's

time for me to stand up and say "Mountain, get out of my way!" You see, everything you are afraid of is a mountain!  God says that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say, "Mountain get out of my way and the mountain will move!"  Wow!  Just think about that!  It's so powerful!  I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS!  Me!  And so can you!  I don't know about you but I have an awful lot of mountains to move!  I'm ready for them to, "Get out of my way!" So here we go!

 I would love to leave this world with a smile on my face knowing I accomplished them all.  Maybe it's my chance to leave my small footprint on my world!  I'd like that!  I'd like to leave this world feeling accomplished!  I don't want to take my last breath uttering the words, "I Wish I Had Done ......!" 

Below is my partial Bucket List. I say partial because this is not all I want to do!  It's just all I can think of right now.  I'm going to keep adding to it as I think of new things.  I hope all of you have a bucket list. If you don't, NOW is the perfect time to start one!

MY BUCKET LIST!

(These are in no particular order)

Fly in an airplane.

Go to Montana.

See the Grand Canyon.

Travel Route 66.

Ride a horse.

Make snow angels!

Go on a cruise and have a blast!

Walk hand in hand on the beach with my guy!

Shop in Times Square.

Go somewhere where I have to get all dressed up!

Find my true love.

Be absolutely happy!

Smile all day because I can!

Know what being loved, really loved, feels like!

Take a trip on a train.

Ride in a cab in NY City.

Have a huge Christmas Tree.

Dance, dance, dance in the rain!

Rescue a lot of dogs!

Help someone know Christ!

Realize my journey!

Be important to someone special.

Be surprised!

Own a convertible!

Go to Nashville.

Stay in a Bed & Breakfast in the mountains!

Shop and not have to look at the price tags!

Spend a week in the Keys!

Go on an awesome adventure!

Realize my value.

Meet Willy Nelson!

Be a redhead!

Own a candy apple red Jag!

Sing a Karaoke song in front of a crowd!

Have a really good friend.

I CaN MoVe MoUnTaiNs!



Holidays Already? Really!

I'm not sure whether to say hooray or humbug! I would love to enjoy the season of holidays that are coming up.   I'm really going to try but I'm not sure I know how.  I've never had much success with that.  My mother loved holidays.  All of them.  They were always so much fun.  I have great memories of our holidays as a family.  I always loved them too.  Then I got married.

I cannot remember one holiday that was enjoyable while I was married.  Not one!  Somehow or another my X found a way to ruin them.  All of them.  For 37 years!  That's a really long time.  I always tried to make sure my children had great holidays and for the most part I think they did.  No matter what my X did, I tried to act like it didn't bother me, so the kids would enjoy the holiday.  I guess I did a good job at that because they both love holidays!

I haven't had a Christmas tree for probably a good 10 years because I got so tired of hearing my X complain about how much they cost.  After all it was just going to be thrown out by the curb anyway.  Mr. Scrooge had nothing on him.  I got a Christmas gift from him the first year we were married and then never again. Nothing for 37 years.  I never received a birthday present from him, not even a card.  Nothing for Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Anniversaries, etc.  I guess you get the idea.  Every year I'd think, "Surely he will get me something."  I would give him plenty of ideas.  I don't know why I always did that.  I would think that this is the year he would care enough to get me something.  All that did was make me even more disappointed than ever because it never happened.

Last year after my divorce was final and I moved into my condo, I decided to get a Christmas tree.  I was really looking forward to it.  I bought the tree and decorated it but somehow it didn't have the WOW factor I thought it would have.  There wasn't any complaining or whining, after all, I was free to make my own decisions and do what I wanted to do.  Maybe I was just expecting too much.  This year I don't think I'm going to get a tree.  Maybe I should start celebrating

Festivus instead (All you Seinfeld fans know what I'm talking about)! It's depressing not to have someone to share it with.  Maybe that's what the problem was.   I was hoping that this was the year I would get to start a new tradition actually enjoying the holiday season with someone special.  Apparently this is not that year.

I need to figure out how to re-train myself to enjoy the Holidays.  They all have such  negative feelings attached to them.  They have bad memories that I'd love to replace with great memories.  Of course it's wonderful to have my children and grandchildren close.  That really helps, but it's the time spent alone that I have a hard time with.  the hard part is when I open my front door to absolute silence.

I am going to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with family even though I'm the only single one there and I guess I'm going to have to endure the X being there this year (Ugg).  I am going to enjoy Black Friday shopping with my daughter and her friend!  It's always shop till you drop!  I love that!  Then I think I'll watch "It's A Wonderful Life" as many times as I can find it being shown until Christmas (My favorite movie!).  I don't see any holiday parties in my future.  Actually, I've never been to a holiday party except at my daughter's house.  I love those, but I always thought it would be a great adventure to get all dressed up and go somewhere I've never been before.  

I think I already know what my New Year's resolution will be. It's not going to be to lose weight, or
eat healthier, though I should do both of those things. It won't be get organized and throw things away that I don't need.  I am already overly organized and I'm not a "keeper of stuff" so there isn't anything to throw away.

I think my resolution will be to spend the new year figuring out what it is that makes me happy and

then doing it!  I want to take a vacation!  I can't remember the last time I had one.  It's been many years.  And I'm going to make a bucket list.  I don't have one.  Not only am I going to make one,  I'm going to start crossing things off of it! 

I Will Enjoy the Holiday Season!

Veteran's Day

My father served 28 years in the United States Navy.  He was very well respected by the men that served with him.  More than that, he was well respected by his family.  My father bled red, white and blue until the day he took his last breath.  He loved this country and gave most of his life preserving the freedom we all enjoy today.

In honor of Veteran's Day, my father, and all the men and women who sacrificed and sacrifice still today, to allow us to live free, here is a little bit of my life as a child.

One of my favorite memories of my dad, though there were so many, was what he called, "holding colors."  We lived in a trailer all of my life, in trailer parks wherever my dad was stationed, of mostly military families. We were the only family when we lived in Norfolk, that had a huge flag pole right outside the front door.  Almost every morning my older sister,  my baby sister, and I would have to raise the flag.  In the evening it was always a ceremony to lower it. We all had to stand at the flagpole at attention.  Of course, if dad was home, he would salute it.  My older sister and I would have to fold the flag.  Dad taught us the proper way to fold the flag.  I wonder how many kids today know how to fold an American flag?  Of course, as kids, we wanted no part of this.  I would say to my dad almost every day, "Dad, this is so embarrassing!  No one else is standing outside doing this." He would say, "Our family shows respect for our flag and our country."   Enough said!

As an adult, I would like to say, thank you dad!  Thank you for teaching me honor, respect, and values.  Thank you for giving me that "never quit" attitude.  Thank you for teaching me how to "soldier on" through pain and adversity.  I love you and miss you.

I've always had a deep love and respect for our flag, our country, and the men and women that shed their blood so I could be "embarrassed" as a child, "holding colors!"  It brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about it.  I would love to stand and salute that flag today with my dad.  Thank you,
veterans and families, for the tremendous sacrifice.

 I am forever one grateful American!

Happy Anniversary!

I don't often "toot" my own horn, but HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to ME!!!!

Yesterday was my ONE year anniversary in my condo!  I know some of you are saying "Big deal!"  I hear you, but it has been such an amazing year for me!  I am sooo joyous!  Why, you ask?

I am joyous because one year ago my divorce just became final!  Yeah me!  My life held so many question marks.  Like, can I live alone?  I'd never stayed by myself. Will I have enough money to pay my bills?  I had never been responsible for everything in my life.  Can I find comfort?  Can I overcome the last 38 years?  I'm a survivor, but can I survive?  Can I be truly happy?  Can I find someone I care about and actually have a relationship?

Here's what the last year has shown me.  I found out: Not only can I live alone, I LOVE it!  I really do.  I love only being responsible for myself.  I love that it's my laundry I'm doing and my dinner I'm cooking.  It's my house I'm cleaning.  I know that may sound selfish, but I've been cooking and cleaning for a family since I was 18.  It's never been about what I want, but what will make my family happy.  I am so enjoying it being about me!

Can I find comfort?  Oh, I'm so comfortable sometimes it scares me!  You know everyone's life has stress at times, but my old life was always stressful, every minute of it.  I laugh now because my biggest stresses so far are laughable compared to one year ago!

I love being responsible for me alone!  I'm a good person, so I don't cause myself any trouble! (I'm laughing!).

Can I overcome the last 38 years of my life?  OH YES I CAN!!!!  Today showed me that.  How, you ask?  Today I got an email from my X that a dentist bill came to his mothers house where he now lives (I'm laughing again!  Sorry). I told him I'd come by and get it.  I called my former mother-in-law 4 times but it didn't go through right and she didn't pick up, so I rode by.  Her front door was open so I pulled in to park.  I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I have not been there for 1 1/2 years.  I couldn't bring myself to go there.  My dog who was 9 years old when I gave him up in the divorce is there.  It broke my heart to let him go but there is always so much collertal damage in a divorce.  I realized that God had decided that today was my day to climb that mountain.  As I parked, I said," Ok God, I understand.  Please stay with me.  I can't face this mountain by myself."  You know what happened?  I walked into her house with a smile.  I petted my sweet boy, Sirus.  It was ok. The big thing I realized was that I WAS OK!  I did it.  Not only did I survive it, I had victory over it!  Yeah God!  That's the great thing about God.  Just when you think you can't do something, He shows you just how strong and courageous you are through Him!!!!

What I want you to know is that God will carry you as long as you need Him too, just ask!  He truly will!  How awesome is that! 

 I can't wait to see what God has in store for me in the coming year. I've come so far from where I was when I would say that I can't see the forest for all the trees.   That my life was so dark I couldn't see the light.  I didn't think my mind would heal or that my heart could survive such destruction, but it did and I am so blessed to be here to share it all with you!

Happy Anniversary To Me!

It' A Wonderful Life!

I was trying to get inspiration ideas for this blog and all I kept hearing in my head was, "You have a wonderful life."

I just smiled, and I'm still smiling, because, you know what?  I do have a wonderful life!  I feel like my whole body is happy!  I have "goosies" all over!  What a great feeling!  There have been times in my life where things happened that made me very happy, but I don't know if I've ever felt happiness like this.  I am so content. It's so nice to be content!

My favorite movie ever is " It's A Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart.  I don't want to watch the color version.  I love the old black and white. I don't know why they have to try to ruin a movie with color if it's in black and white.  That's part of what I love!!   I have watched this movie countless times every year during the holiday season.  I can't wait for it to start being shown again.  Here's my favorite scene.

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary: I'll take it. Then what?  George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?

Oh how I just love George and Mary!  I can relate to George in so many ways.  George thought his life had no value.  He thought it didn't matter if he was ever born.  He thought he was worth more dead than alive.  George was desperate and despondent.  But what George learned in the end was that he had touched so many people in so many ways.  He saw how the smallest acts of kindness or bravery he had shown changed everything for someone else.  At the end of the movie George sees Clarence's copy of Tom Sawyer and opens to the front and the inscription reads, "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence."  I love the purpose that George finds.  George finds HOPE.





You never really know how many people or how you touch someone's life.  I know I have felt

desperate and despondent.  I have felt so unloved.  But, I can also tell you that I have had some wonderful friends give me HOPE when I didn't have any.  I can also tell you this.  For anyone who's reading this and you think you don't matter, WE ALL MATTER!  We all come in contact with so many people.  Most of the time it's just a moment.  BUT one moment, one second, can change someone's perspective.  It can take that desperation and give them HOPE.  All anyone needs is a little HOPE.  Just a glimmer will get someone through to a place of HOPE. The holiday season is approaching and holidays for anyone without hope is very hard to get through. 

 

Please try to remember this when you're in a hurry and your frustrated and impatient.  You could be that glimmer of hope someone else needs just at that moment in time to get them to the next second to see things differently.  Sometimes all someone needs is the next second.   Believe me, I'm talking to myself as well.  How wonderful to give someone another second to see HOPE and never even know it!

I Will Share HOPE!

Acceptance

Acceptance.  noun. The act of accepting or the state of being accepted or acceptable.  Favorable; approval.

EvEeRyBoDy wants it.  I think everybody needs it in some form.  We spend our lifetime trying to win approval/acceptance, for our work, from our parents, our spouse, teachers, our children, our friends, our significant others and even from people we meet for just a moment.  We want to be aCcEpTeD for how we live our lives and how we conduct ourselves.  We want acceptance for what we believe in and what we don't.

It seems so SiMpLe to me.  Being accepted, I mean.  Just being accepted for who you are.  All the fLaWs.  All the qUiRkS.  All the bAgGaGe.  All the things you're passionate about and all the things you just don't like.  We all have them.  We all have things in our character or things in our life that make us, or made us, who we are.  Some things you can change if you wanted to.   Some things you want to cHaNgE and don't.   And some things are exactly the way you want it.  There's nothing wrong with

that.

I'm sure if I asked, there would be pLeNtY of suggestions on how I could change myself for the better.  Someone else's better.  But I think I did all the changing in my life I want to do.  I don't want to change anything about mYseLf anymore.  I like who I am.  I like the person who looks back at me when I look in the mirror.  I think she's great!

Just like that favorite old pair of shoes you have.  You know the ones.  You know you should throw them out.  They're worn out.

They look terrible.  The soles are thin.  The leather is scuffed and scratched.  But they are so comfortable.  They fit you so well.  You love them.  So you keep them. They are acceptable just the way they are.  To me that's the way you should feel about yOuRsELf, too.

I try very hard to accept people the way they are.  Sure, I guess there are always things you see in someone that you'd want to change if you could.  But then that's not for me to do.  My part in their life is to love them the way they are.  SoMeTiMeS the things you would change in someone would make them a totally different person.  They wouldn't be the person you know.  They wouldn't be the pErSoN you cared about in the first place.

I spent most of my life trying so hard to be aCcEpTeD.  I tried to be who I thought my parents wanted me to be.  I tried to be who I thought my husband wanted me to be.
 I tried to become who I thought I should be so I would be LoVeD.  I couldn't do it.  I failed miserably.  I was miserable and unhappy while trying to achieve it, too.  The person that I thought everyone wanted me to be aLwAyS remained just outside of my grasp.  Why?  Because I needed to uNdErStAnD that I'm acceptable just the way I am. I needed to learn to accept myself.  I am exactly who I'm supposed to be.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  Acceptable or unacceptable to anyone else.   I'm me.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Just me.  I LiKe tHaT!

I Am AcCePtAbLe!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is hard.  But forgiveness is necessary for healing.  No matter how hard you try to forget the things that hurt you, until there is forgiveness, nothing inside you can change or heal.  Before you can forgive anyone else, you have to forgive yourself.   Forgiving myself was the hardest thing to do.  When I really analyzed the situation, I was angry at myself for letting my bad marriage go on so long.  I was angry that I gave up such a huge span of my life that I could never get back. I was angry and hurt that I had worked so hard to make my marriage work and taken so much crap and I ended up having to walk away.  I was angry that I was duped.  I was duped for almost 40 years.  Why didn't I see that?  Why didn't I see that it was never a marriage?  I was angry that I waited this long and now I'm 57 and certainly it would have been much easier to start over if I

was 20 or 30 years younger.

While going through separation and divorce there was plenty of time for me to think about what happened.  Even now, when I think about it, the only thing I will take responsibility for is that I didn't have a voice.  I didn't speak up for myself.  I didn't protect myself.  I accepted very bad behavior instead of standing up for what was right.  I allowed myself to be treated like I was unworthy of anything good.  When I didn't fight back, when I didn't expect good treatment,  I was saying it's okay to treat me that way, so I got more of the same.  I gave away my power, my self respect, my self esteem, and everything else good you can think of.  How is it that I didn't think I was worthy of

anything good?

It's been almost one year since my divorce was final.  How much progress have I made?  Forgiveness was impossible at first.  There was anger, bitterness, hate, and sorrow that had to be dealt with.  All of that was inside me, eating away at any progress I thought I was making.  Just when I would think I had a handle on it, life would come crashing down around me and I'd have to start over.  It was after that senecio played out over and over again that I realized I wasn't going to be able to move forward until forgiveness happened and it had to start with me.

 The first thing I had to understand and believe was that it was not my fault.  I couldn't have changed anything.  I could not have made it work no matter what.  That's how I started to forgive myself.  I started to tell myself over and over that I am worthy and I deserve good things.  I had to tell myself that I am strong and courageous through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.  I had to tell myself that God loves me and that I deserve to love myself.  I must have said all those things thousands of times.

Many times I said it while looking at myself in the mirror.  When I first started doing that, I couldn't

even look myself in the eye.  And when I did, I couldn't see anything to love.  All I could see were all the flaws that I had been told over and over again for years that I had.  Wow, that's sad:(  It was very slow going at first.  Then I began to see changes taking place.  I just kept at it.  I kept plugging along.  I didn't give up on me!  And now, I can not only look myself in the eye, I also smile at myself and truly love myself.  Yea!  Victory!  That's not to say, I still don't have bad days, but they are fewer and fewer.  I like that.  I did forgive myself.  When I did that, I set myself free. And a funny thing happened.  Before forgiveness, I couldn't even say my x-husbands name.  Now I can do that without feeling like I'm going to throw up. What I'm saying is that in forgiving myself, I allowed myself to forgive him.  I'm not angry or bitter or sad anymore.  That doesn't mean that it's forgotten.  It means I don't give those feelings power over me anymore.  He is still responsible for what he did, and he will have to answer one day for the things he's done.  But that's on him.

There is a song I heard in church back when my separation first happened.  I sang and still sing those words as an anthem to where I was and how far I have come.  Here they are:



 Through you the blind will see

Through you the mute will sing

Through you the dead will rise

Through you all hearts will praise

Through you my heart screams

I am free, yes, I am free

I am free to run ( I am free to run)

I am free to dance (I am free to dance)

I am free to live for you (I am free to live for you)

Yes I am free (I am free)

As for me, FoRgiVeNeSs Is FrEeDom!

I Am Free!

A Life Lesson!

There are so many things I want to say today.  Right now they are jUmBLed in my head and I can't get a clear thought, so as I usually do, I am asking God to CaLm them down and make them cLeAr.

It has taken me a long time to realize what was always missing in my life.  I could never quite put my finger on it, but it felt like I was missing something.  I rEaLiZe now that I have spent all of my life seeking love and calm and understanding and peace and acceptance and contentment.  Of course, I think most of us look for that.  I even searched for it as a child, though I still don't understand why.  I had great parents and really think I had a pretty good childhood. There are many people that have been blessed enough to already have found it.  To all of you, and you know who you are, I'm jEaLoUs!  Just saying!

During my marriage, I looked for it in my hUsBaND and in my mArRiAgE, and I definitely did not find it

there.  I looked for it in my cHiLdReN, and though they brought me many things, especially love, children rarely bring you peace!  Mine weren't very different than most children, that's just the way it is, no peace!  I looked for it in my jOb.  I definitely didn't find it there.  I found an awful lot of stress.  I really loved my job and at times really miss it. I love all the people that I was bLeSsEd to know and have them touch my life, but they could only fulfill some of the things I was searching for.

I tried to find it in stuff!  StUfF can certainly make me happy, at least temporarily.  Some of it made my life easier. Most of the time it was just because I wanted it.  There's always biGgEr and bEtTeR and more efficient and prettier stuff.   I realize that even with all the stuff I owned, I wasn't content.  I was always on the search for more stuff.  I thought maybe I just needed more stuff or different stuff.  Yea, that's it!  So I continued to buy more stuff.  But I never found it in stuff. 

I tried to find it in shopping!  Lord knows, I tried!  You know what I'm talking about.  There aren't too many women that don't love to shop!  I'm always ready for sHoPpiNg.  When someone asks me what I like to do in my spare time, I tell them shop!  I am really good at it too!  I know I can't be the only one that when I'm feeling down and blue or stressed, I go shopping.  It's one of my favorite therapy's!  But again, it's temporary.   Now, I don't have to spend a lot of money to feel bEtTeR, though I have at times.  Even if I only bought a tube of lipstick, I could feel my mood change immediately.  I always lAuGh at myself, because when I first walk in a store, I stop at the entrance and take a deep breath.  Just the smell of all that "new" is intoxicating!  I can hear you laughing, but try it next time.  You'll see what I'm talking about!  What a rush!!!!  I still have bEaUtiFuL things and I love looking at them and enjoying them.  In many ways, they bring me pleasure.  But I didn't find everything I was looking for sHoPpIng. 

I've had beautiful homes and nice cars (for the most part) and I've always been very proud of owning them and taking good care of them. It made me feel vErY accomplished and successful and I felt like, yes, this is what life must be all about.  But I didn't find what I was looking for in any of them.

As I sTaRtEd examining my life a couple of years ago, when it began to unravel, and I was trying to find answers, I realized all the things I told you above.  Since then I've been trying figure out how I acquire peace and calm and understanding and acceptance and contentment, if it's not in all the places I thought it was nor in all the money I've spent trying to acquire it, WHERE IS IT?  Here's what I found out.

The other night, I met someone with all the things I've been frantically searching for all my life.  As I liStEnEd to him talk and watched him interacting with everyone, I could see it.  I recognized it immediately.  There was peace and calm surrounding him.  It's in his voice as he speaks. There was acceptance and love, and happiness and joy.  It saturates the wOrDs he uses as he describes his life and I see contentment in his eyes when I look at them.  I don't think he even realizes that about himself.  He so freely gives it all away to everyone he meets.  The more you give sOmEtHiNg away, the more it comes back to you!  That's a law of the universe.  Wow!  That's it!That's what I want.  That's everything I'm missing.  I think it comes from the one place I never looked, within!  I think it's in his heart and in his soul and he can't help but share it!  What a gift!  So that's where I'm LoOkiNg now!  I don't know how hard it will be for me to find it in myself.  There's probably still a lot of junk I need to get rid of and throw away so there's room for what I wAnT to move in.  But that's what I want and I'm willing to do what it takes to get it.  Maybe that's what my jOuRnEy is about. Finding all the things I've spent my life searching for.  I never found me.  I never knew me.  I never loved me, and I was never content with me!  Oh, this is going to be FUN!  A new door has been oPeNed to possibilities I never imagined!  Thank you for showing me that!  Thank you for sHaRiNG it!   It's the best gift anyone's ever given me!

I LoVe LiFe LeSsoNs!