My Angel Encounter

I don't know how you feel about aNgEls.  I always believed there were angels but I certainly never thought I would meet one!

I'm going to share with you my aNgEl EnCoUnTeR!   It happened on July 18, 2012.  I know the date because it had such an impact on me, I went home and immediately wrote it down so I would be able to remember it all.   I still get gOoSeBuMpS all over and the hairs on my arms stand at attention when I think about it.  It was aMaZiNg!

So let me set the stage for you.  I was very distraught then, very depressed.  I mean down to my soul depressed.  We couldn't get the house sold. (That was part of the divorce agreement.)  I was trying so hard to get the divorce settled, but it was going nowhere.  My worse half (husband at the time) was causing all kinds of drama by doing things he was not supposed to be doing.  It was causing big arguments, not to mention we were still living in the same house and that in and of itself was indescribable pain.  (I'll save that for another day!)

Every morning I would take a walk on the beach.  It was a great sTrEsS reliever and I felt like I could think when I was there.  I am a very (OCD) routine person so I would do the same thing every morning.  Actually, I still do it every morning.  HeRe goes:  I walk onto the bEaCh, look up at the sky over the ocean and say, "Good morning God!  I love you.  Thank you for loving me and carrying me!"  So, on my angel encounter morning I had done that routine and then I started walking and talking to God.  I do that every mOrNiNg too!  I was telling Him how upset I was and that I knew He was carrying me because I couldn't survive this ordeal on my own.  But, I told Him, "Right now God, I don't see you AnYwHeRe!  I can't feel you aNyWhErE!  The house isn't selling and the divorce isn't moving forward and I can't start my life over until these things happen, and I don't think I can take anymore and........................ Please God show me you are here!"

So, a few seconds later,  I was walking about 6 feet from the waters edge when I spotted something sticking out of the wet sand.  As the water gently washed over it, I said to myself, "That looks like a

cross."  I walked over and picked it up and it definitely looked like a cross.  I had never seen anything like it before.  I still don't know what it is.  I'm holding the cross and staring at it in dIsBeLiEf.  I thought, "Ok God.  You put this here just for me to find as a sign of your love.  This was just for me so I would know You are with me, that you hadn't left me!"  I was shaking at the prospect that God would care so much for little, iNsIgNiFiCaNt me!  Now this story is good enough right here, BuT it gets even better.  Here's My AnGeL!

As I was looking at my cross and trying to figure out what it was, a lady had apparently been walking by me going the other way and saw me pick It up.  She turned back around and walked up to me and wanted to see it.  We talked about it for a few minutes, then she asked me if I was born again.  I told her, yes I was, and then she asked me if she could pray for me.  She said God had told her I needed prayer!.  At this point I was so amazed I could barely speak!  I told her yes she could and that I really needed it.  I told her I was going through and very bad divorce and that I had been married over 37 years.  She told me she was divorced after 34 years and she knew what I was going through.  We held hands and she began to pray the most beautiful prayer I have ever heard.  I felt God's love and the Holy Spirit run through me.  The warmth of the morning sun waming my face and the Holy Spirit warming the inside of my body was HeAvEnLy!  Absolutely, hEaVeNLy!.

We talked a few minutes more.  I told her that she was my angel and I knew God sent her to me.  She just looked at me and smiled.  As I watched her walk down the beach, I was the one smiling.

I don't know if I will ever have another angel encounter.  I hope so!  I look for them everywhere.  It showed me that God's got this.  I knew right then, that there was a purpose for this journey I'm on.  It's sometimes very had to let go of control and sit back and see what happens.  The unknown is sometimes frightening. The world was very dark for me then.  I was desperate and God was there to show me the way, even when I couldn't see Him!  He had a plan.  He did have control.  He not only sent me a cross to show His love, He sent me an AnGeL to comfort me!  I got to talk to and hold hands with my aNGel!  It was AmAzInG!

The Big "D"..........Thats Right.......DiVoRcE!

DiVoRcE!  Just saying the word brings uneasiness.   Believe it or not, it still carries such a stigma with it.  People have said to me many times, "Oh, you're divorced?" Like it's an incurable disease. I started responding, "Yes I'm am.  I'm HaPpIlY dIvOrCeD!" Which I am.

 Even if your marriage was bad, like mine, and it was good to end it, it is still a devastating process.  You see, I was committed.  I was in it, til death do us part, no matter what.  I was never going to surrender to defeat, nEvEr!  This comes from a military background, I guess.  My dad served 28 years in the navy, and instilled a "soldier" attitude in me.  Soldiering on was the only thing I knew.  Giving up was never an option for me.  But you know in your mind you have a proverbial line that you cannot let the other person cross.  It's the one thing that you just can't forgive.  It's the one thing that will make you walk away.  That line was crossed, so dIvOrCe was the outcome.

So I'm 57 years old now and I was married almost 38 years. It still sounds unbelievable to me when I hear myself say that I'm dIVoRcEd after being married that long!  It must sound unbelievable to others as well, if the reaction on their faces are any indication when they ask how long I was married.  I was married most of the time I've inhabited the earth!!!!  Wow! Then they usually asked me what happened after that long to get a divorce. That's always a hard question to answer.

I never thought I'd be divorced.  If anyone would have told me at my age I would be dIvOrCeD, I would have told them they were crazy!  I had worked so hard to create the perfect family. The PeRfEcT life, well at least to the outside world anyway.  Now I realize, that was part of the problem, I created it.  We ( my ex-husband & I) did not.  My fantasy, not my reality for sure!

DiVoRcE is hard. It's hard on everyone.  It affects every relationship you ever had. One of the saddest

things is, none of those affected have a choice or get a say in anything!  They are just dragged threw the process, probably kicking and screaming and there's nothing they can do about it.   My children where grown, married, with families of there own, but it was and is still very tough for them.  I remember one of my grandsons, he was six at rhe time, asked me why I was getting a divorce.  I told him I didn't know for sure.  He looks at me so innocent and says, "It's probably cause Grampy didn't love you anymore!"  Out of the mouths of babes!  He didn't know just how right he was!


It feels like I lost so many of the relationships I had before.  It's like I'm not a part of the "married" world, anymore, so I don't have a place there.  It's no one's fault.  It's just the dIvOrCe aftermath.  And no one seems to know what to talk to me about.  I'm rarely asked questions about my NeW LiFe!  I don't think it's that they aren't interested or they don't want to know.  I don't think they know what to ask or how to react to the answer so they just steer clear. It's like I'm living in two different worlds, Family World and Single World.  One day though I'm going to figure out how to bring them together.  They sould know each other.  At least a little!  Let's face it, they know me as a wife, mother, and grandmother.  They have never known me as a SiNgLe person. Of course, I don't know me as a sInGle person either!   Sometime I sCaRe MySeLF!!  I'm sure they just don't know what to do, but then, neither do I!  We are all sTuMbLiNg through it together!

DiVoRcE changes the dynamics of the family.  The family unit no longer exists, so holidays, dinners, birthdays, just about any get together has now been forever changed.  There is always tension. There is always stress involved.  And it's always awkward.  Or at least it's awkward for me.  The conversations with everyone seems different, like they are just small talk.  Not at all like they used to be.  It's almost like the joy has been sucked out of the event. WOW!  Ok, that was just a lightbulb moment!  As I'm typing it, I realize it's not the joy in everyone's ability to enjoy the event, it's the joy in mine!  Oh, I'm going to have to find a way get that jOy back!  And if by chance my ex is there, then it's a whole other set of emotions for me.  The process has been interesting though.  At first, I thought I was going to be physically sick when I'd see him and the anger and hate (Yes, I used the "H" word) were almost unbearable.  Now though that's changing.  I saw him the other day at my daughters house and I didn't have any of those feelings.  I was surprised at my reaction at first, but then I realized that God was doing just what I had asked Him to do. We (God & I) have been working very hard at letting go of the hurt, pain and hate, and to be able to forgive. I looked at him and thought, wow, I used to be married to him.  He was almost someone I barely new and I didn't really feel anything.  In my mind it seemed like it all took place a long time ago.  That's progress!  I haven't been able to talk to him though.  I hope that will come someday.  That will mean that I've completed the proces! YeA mE!  I am very proud of my myself!  I've come so far!.  Like I said, it's all about forgiveness!
 

 This is how I view my DiVoRcE.  It is a death in my family.  My very long term marriage died.  It's gone forever.  The life and comfort and stability I knew shattered.  There are so many emotions tied to a death of any kind and only FoRgIvEnEsS, time, an awful lot of PrAyEr, support and understanding will heal it.  Of course most all the work to recover belongs to me.  Forgiveness and prayer are key.  Support and understanding you definitely need from family and friends, because I've made quite a few mistakes trying to navigate through this.  I'm sure I'll make more!  I am trying to lighten the jOuRnEy though with laughter!  I seriously have to laugh at myself!

It's CrAzY oUt HeRe!

And Just What's Wrong With Being OCD, Anyway???

Okay, so if you don't know what OCD is, it's ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR!  I could be the poster child for OCD!          


For me that means every moment of every day has a rule, a schedule and something that must be accomplished, and not just accomplished, but to my view of perfection.  Even on fun days, OCD organizes them.  It's very difficult to be spontaneous because that would mess up the order of things.  I have spent a lifetime making lists, schedules, and the order in which things must be done, Now I've read that ODC/Perfectionism, is a form of self torture.  Ok. Maybe so, but what would our world be like if you didn't have us overly organized people to keep everything straight and get everything accomplished?  Besides that, that study was probably done by a very messy person!  Not there's anything wrong with being messy. I just don't understand the concept!

When I was younger and had small children and worked outside my home, I thought this trait was a very useful tool.  It did allow me to get an awful lot of things done in a short amount of time.  I was the QuEeN of multitasking!   Although, I now realize that I was always so focused on the goal of getting things finished, that most of the time I missed the people connection.  I look back now, in my sInGlE liFe and realize I have a lot of acquaintances, but not many friends.  And as I look around and realize that, it makes me sad.  I love people and I have so many fond memories the 28 years I worked.  I always worked with the public and wonder how many times I missed the chance to bless, or be blessed?

You see, if you are not OCD, you can probably walk in to a room and see the beauty of it.  Not me!  When I walk in a room I see everything that could be fixed.  I see things that need to be straightened, or I'm thinking of a way I could make it better. When this happens, and it always does, my focus leaves the beauty and I cannot stop thinking about fixing the flaws. It does sometimes take the joy out of something.  Wow!  I've missed the jOy-MoMeNt!

I do the same thing with myself.  When I look in the mirror, I see all my imperfections.  I see everything that I think needs to be changed or could be improved upon.  I think OCD played a part in my low self esteem.  That and a husband that only saw my imperfections and made sure he pointed all of them out to me year after year for almost 40 years!   I've been working very hard at changing my SeLf ImAgE.  A few months ago a friend suggested a book to me that has literally changed my life! It so resonated with me and I love it!  It felt like the author was looking in to my soul and writing about me.  I love it so much I always suggest it as a must read to friends and family.  If your interested, the book is, "You Can Heal Your Life," by Louise L. Hay.

That all said, it is what it is!  I embrace it now like never before! I realize that I can't change it, so I need to learn to work with it and not let it control my life.  The world is a very chaotic place, but in my world, order is key.  For me cleaning and organizing, and schedules, and rules are very therapeutic!  It works almost as well as going ShOpPiNg!  I did say almost!

  So I'll share with you some of my obsessions.  Everything in my pantry and closets and dresser drawers are always oRgAnIZeD.   Not only are they organized, but every label in the pantry is turned to face the same way.  Every piece of clothing is organized, of course by color and sleeve type!  Every accessory, in every room is positioned perfectly and when I walk in or out of a room I automatically check them to make sure I don't need to tweek anything.  You can see how by the end of a day it's enough to make you CrAzY! Every time I open anything,  I look to see if maybe there is some way to make it better!  Better for who, I'm not sure?  I live alone!  I used to be able to tell someone exactly where something was and I do mean exactly My mind was like a card catalog.  Since my car accident 3 years ago and the loss of most of my short term memory, things are different.  It's all still totally organized but I can't exactly remember where!

The other day I needed something to do so I decided to organize my dresser drawers, not that they weren't already, but I thought of a better way!  By the time I finished I was laughing at myself and saying, if people saw pictures of these drawers, they'd come lock me up!

My children are both OCD and so is my younger sister, Karan.  When you get us all together, look out!  We will re-organize the organized!

When my kids were teenagers I would always know if they had come home during the day when they should have been in school.  My son would  always ask me how I knew.  I told him I know the placement of everything in the house and I can spot it in a second if it is out of place!  And my poor co-workers!  I would be standing at someone's desk talking and the whole time I'm talking, I would be straightening everything on their desk!

When I moved into my condo, I had some new friends come over so I would show them around.  One of them asked me if I live here.  At first I didn't understand where she was going with that comment.  I said of course I do why.  She said because everything in here is perfect!  I started laughing and told her maybe to her it was, but I could pick out so many things I needed to fix!

That said, I hope you all have a wonderful day!  I have some organizing to do!

My Amazing Life!

The other day I was in the bathroom putting on makeup and I heard God!  Now it's not often that I hear God, but this was very clear. He said, "You have an aMaZiNg LiFe!"  I didn't say anything, but kind of brushed off the words. In a few seconds, I heard Him again, "You have an aMaZiNg LiFe!!"  I kind of smiled and kept on putting on my makeup. Then I heard it again, but very loud this time.  I figured at that point, God really wanted me to stop what I was doing and acknowledge Him.  So I did. I could feel the excitement rise inside me and I started laughing and said out loud, "Ok God, I hear you!  You are right!  I do have an aMaZiNg LiFe!!!!  I couldn't stop smiling all day!  I could just hear God telling me over and over again that I have an aMaZiNg LiFe!  And He's right! 
 I do have an aMaZiNg LiFe!  

A few short months ago I couldn't have said that or for that matter even heard God telling me that.  I wasn't ready.  I was used to dealing with the bad situations in my life, and I didnt think I was worthy of the good things.  I thought those were for other people.  I think God gives us what we can handle when we can handle it, good or bad.  I always found a way to handle the bad.  Now I needed to figure out how to except the good things that are just waiting for me! WOW!  

I have gone from being in a very dark place to living in the light. Now I know there are people that won't understand that.  I'll try to explain it.  I had for 18 months tried to get my house sold and my divorce finalized.  There were road blocks at every turn. It was frustrating and I was angry, and sad, and hurt. I knew my life could not start over until these things were finished and I could not get them finished. I was in a bad living situation and I knew I was at the end of what I could emotionally handle.  My ex-husband and I were living in the same house.  He wouldn't move out and I had no income, so I did not have the resources to move out. 

One day I was sooo frustrated that a had a total meltdown!  You know the kind I'm talking about.  We've all had one!  So I started yelling at God and throwing things!  I yelled, " Okay God!  That's it!  I'm finished!  I can't do this anymore!  You take it all!  You do it! I'm DONE!!!!"

Well, looking back, now I realize that's what God was waiting on!  He was waiting on me to finish trying to make things happen!  He was waiting on me to accept the fact that I had no control and that I could not get it accomplished!  That was a very difficult thing for me to do.  I always want to be, or at least feel like I'm in control.  So, you know what happened next?  I did not try anymore!  I left it all in God's lap.  And then an absolutely AmAzInG thing happened. In two months our house sold and closed and my divorce became final!  What I had tried so hard to do and couldn't get done, was finished.  I felt like it was the first time in 18 months that I could actually take a deep breath and relax!  Many situations had to be dealt with during that time period and I had been playing defense for sooo long, I was exhausted. 

Now, I laugh at myself and tell myself that it all would have happened sooner if I wasn't so stubborn and would have just let go and let God!  

My aMaZiNg LiFe!  WoO hOo!

Fear

Ah, Yes, FeAr!  It's one of the most powerful words on earth.  Just saying it brings the thought of fears to mind.  It can cripple you.  It will stop you dead in your tracks or at least slow you down.  It causes wars, and it makes people do terrible things.  There is nothing good in fear.  It almost always keeps you from going, or doing, or being, or seeing something!

Now me, I am afraid of almost everything.  I'm afraid of heights, small spaces, and bugs.  I'm afraid of what people think about me, and that I don't look good enough.  I always put my right shoe on first because I'm afraid of what will happen if I put my left shoe on first. I'm afraid of not making my bed one day.  I'm afraid that would be the day that I die and everyone would think I was messy.  I'm afraid of not being good enough.  Good enough for what, I don't know!  I'm afraid of not being perfect, or doing something perfect.  I'm afraid of things getting out of order. My whole life has to be in order.  I need a schedule for everything and then I'm afraid of the schedule getting messed up.  I'm afraid of dying before I've gotten the chance to live.  I'm afraid I  won't find out what my purpose is in life.  I don't want my life to mean nothing.  Everything that's happened has to be for a reason. I can't figure out why I can't find my reason for being.

Then at church today, God sends me the message in the words of our preacher!  It's the rEJecTiOn that comes with the fear that keeps me from getting where I need to go!  That's huge!  I am so afraid of being rejected, that I do not put myself out there to meet, or help, or inspire or be inspired, or just get to know people.  Jesus' principle is to Love Your Neighbor, but how can I love my neighbor when I'm afraid of being rejected by my neighbor?  By my neighbor I mean everyone in the world that I come in contact with.  I keep myself very guarded around people and I didn't know why.  I have been trying desperately to figure out what my purpose is and in which direction I'm supposed to be going.  The problem is that every time I think I know, I stop, it completely paralyzes me, and find a million excuses why I can't do that.  FeAr & the ReJeCtIoN that comes with it is keeping me from moving forward!  WOW!  

EvErYThInG I wAnt Is juSt On The OTheR SidE of FeAr!  GaMe On!

Beginnings!

I've been through an awful lot of beginnings!  My first was becoming a wife, and then a mother.   When my children started school, learning how to be at home, alone, with no one calling "mom" every few seconds was a great beginning.  Starting a job outside my home was a huge beginning.  Learning how to juggle job, kids, school work, extra curricular activities, husband, chores, and pets were all beginnings that I loved.   Becoming a mother-in-law, business owner and a grandmother were awesome beginnings.

Some beginnings are not so good.  Being in a terrible car accident in 1976 and having to learn how to begin life again after losing an unborn child.  Beginning to understand how to live a life without your parents.  Even as an adult, losing a parent is a devastating blow.  A girl always needs her mom and dad around no matter how old she is.  There are just some things a girl needs her momma for. Then another horrible car accident in March 2010.  I had to learn how to cope with multiple injuries, constant pain and not being able to work any more. Watching my marriage and what I thought was my whole life fall apart before my eyes was devastating.

BuT, I would have to say that learning to be DivORceD and SiNgLe after more than 37 years of marriage has been the biggest NeW BeGinnIng of my life. Being married was the only life I had known since I was 18 years old.  I was very good at it.  I was a great wife and mom and I loved that life!  I didn't know how to be single or divorced.  I never thought this is where I would be at 57 years old!  I haven't been on a date in 40 years! The last time I went on a date in was in high school!   Boy have things changed!  There was no technology, no online dating or cell phones, or texting, or sexting, or ............!  What are all the rules for all this in respect to dating? And where do you go to find a good man anyway?  I've never lived alone, as a matter of fact I've never been alone! I've never eaten in a restaurant by myself.  I didn't have any friends to hang out with.  I'm socially inept!  Isn't there a class somewhere I can take to get the answers?  I've been responsible for many things in my life, but never absolutely everything in my life!

So here's to NeW BeGiNNinGs!  Now I'm going to be honest.  When my life change started I was anything but happy and excited.  More to the point I was devastated, depressed, sad, and scared.  I had no idea how I was going to survive, or where I would live, or how I could afford to live.  The list went on and on.  It took 1 1/2 years to get the divorce finalized.  It was difficult, and a very sad experience.  I said all that to say this.

 It's been almost 2 years now and , I LoVe my NeW LiFe!  I absolutely love it.  The longer I'm single, the more I love being single!  Yea! I didn't think I would ever hear myself say that!  I don't answer to anyone.  If I want to eat dinner at 4:00pm then that's what I do.  Now,  I tell people when they ask me my status, that, I'm Happily Divorced! I figure that God gave me another chance to get it right.  Does that mean single or married again (I'm shaking at that prospect!)?  I don't know the answer, but I'm going to have a blast finding out!

Life's A Journey!  We are all going to go on one, so you can go kicking and screaming and crying or you can go happy, and laughing!  I choose the happy way!  It took me awhile to figure that out. And so far, I've had a great time and learned a lot of lessons.  You know, everything is a lesson.  One of the biggest things I've learned is that God never takes something away from you unless He has something more amazing to take it's place.  You don't always get it right away, that's what the JoUrNeY's for!