Losing Love

I wrote this on Thanksgiving Eve but I'm just posting it now.. This was very difficult for me to write and share.  It allows a glimpse into the pain that has lived in my heart and soul for so long.  I have released it and set it free, but there is a lesson to be learned.  Setting it free allows me to make room for the wonderful plans and the wonderful people I know God has waiting for me.  I realize that something wonderful cannot come in to my heart if it is full of things that don't belong there.  So here's to being free!  My take on losing love is that I have to let it go.  There is always love out there waiting to be found. It's not that you forget those you loved, but that you allow yourself to find it again in others.

I am motivated to write this because of all the loved ones I've lost. I can only speak from my personal experience. It's Thanksgiving Eve and the memories come flooding back as I sit her in silence with Lilli.   Holidays do that.  I mean bring back memories that I hadn't thought about for awhile.  It's really tough to lose someone that you love.  It's devastation at a level you can't imagine unless you've experienced it.  I don't think there are very many people that haven't lost someone. Whether it's physical death or otherwise, it's sometimes an unbearable loss.

In my personal life I have lost to death, a child, all my grandparents, my father, my mother, many aunts and uncles, cousins and countless friends.

To divorce I lost a husband, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, nephew, some extended family members, a few friends, and a life that however difficult and unkind, it was still the only life I ever knew.  Every one of these people hold a place in my heart. I loved them all. The husband, I have to be honest and say he has no place in my heart. Thoughts of him are few and far between, mostly far.  I thank God for that.  There were times past that I thought I'd never recover from divorce.  There are scars for sure but I think I'm making great progress.

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Most of the people that have passed away lost their battle with one terrible disease or another.  Many of them were lost to cancer.  Cancer is a horrible disease.  It's horrible for the person who has it for sure and it's horrible for the ones left to watch it take it's toll. It's hard to watch a once vibrant human being who loves life become so frail and waste away.  I wish our world was as compassionate with human life as we are with animals.  That's just my opinion.  I hope someday that we as individuals have the right to decide how long we wish to fight for our life.

It's hard to except the loss of a loved one no matter what the circumstance.  Love is love.  Your heart experiences a pain that is almost indescribable.  You think you won't survive.  You think you will never be able to live again.  But you do.  You don't have any choice.  You just keep waking up every morning and breathing even though sometimes you wish you wouldn't.  I would love to share a few of my experiences with you.

I remember when I first started working for the public school system.  That was in 1983.  This was my first job since marriage.   We had a teacher that had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  She had gone through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy.  She was wearing a wig when I met her.  Later that year she was nominated and won our school's Teacher of the Year nomination.  She had to put together a packet of information to submit to the county to be considered for Duval County Teacher of the Year.  It had to be typed and a cover made and I was more than happy to do that for her, even though I didn't know her very well.  I got it all together for her and made sure it was submitted to the county on time.  She was fighting a very hard battle for her life.  In the midst of that battle, she sent me a vase with a single red rose and a thank you note for all the work I had done for her.  That was almost 30 years ago and it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about her.  All I could think of was that this brave woman was fighting for her life yet she thought about me and wanted to thank me for helping her.  I was overwhelmed.  I am still overwhelmed.  What compassion she had.  She lost her battle with breast cancer later that year.  I love you Jane Borders.  What an impact you made on my life.

My sweet baby died after a terrible car accident I was in in 1976.  It took me more than 20 years to be able to talk about it without falling apart.  Thank you God for giving me relief from that unending pain.  I haven't been to the cemetery in more than 25 years to see his grave.  It always threw me in to

such a deep depression that I stopped going.  I hope to some day be able to do that and walk away with calmness and peace.  I don't think I can do it yet, but hopefully someday.  That would be such a victory for me.  God is so good.  He gives us victories that we never think are possible.

My father died in 1998 of lung cancer. I miss my dad.  He was kind and compassionate.  I'm not sure I realized that until after he died.   My mother died in 2012 during my divorce.  That was really tough. She had breast cancer 8 years earlier and was a breast cancer survivor.  She loved life and she loved holidays.  She was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer two weeks after I realized my marriage was over.  She only lived 4 months.  Four horrible months for her.  She was in extreme pain.  She suffered an awful lot. Suffering is so hard to watch someone do.  I never told her I was getting a divorce.  She was fighting for her life and I couldn't be the reason that she didn't make it.  That was hard.  Once I was going to tell her, but I couldn't get the words out.  I opened my mouth and I couldn't make a sound.  I think that was God telling me not too.  I really needed her, but she needed her strength.  I would have loved to have her by my side.  She was a fighter too. I think that's where I get it from!  She was the strongest woman I have ever known.  She survived 3 girls and a husband in the Navy for 28 years.  She always thought that she didn't have to worry about me.  She thought I'd always be taken care of.  She had no idea  what my life was really like.  I never told her anything, not ever.  I don't regret that. I think it was the way it was supposed to be.  I really miss her though.  I think she would be proud of me after seeing how far I've come and how much I've overcome.

I think the thing about someone leaving you whether it's by death or divorce, or other reasons, is that you never really get to say everything you'd like to.  There are always things you think of later.  There are feelings that you don't get to express.  Your heart hurts.  It hurts for a really long time.  The one thing I can tell you is that if it had not been for my relationship with God, I'm not sure I would have survived all of this sadness.  Time eases pain.  It's not that it goes away, it's difficult to explain, but you just seem to learn to let go and go on.  For me, God makes life bearable.  God makes life possible to carry on.  I'm not sure I will ever come to a place of love again.  I really hope that I do.  It's hard to give your heart away when it's been broken into so many pieces.  It's hard to trust again.  It's hard to let go and believe that good will happen to you.

There is always pain for the loved ones left behind,  but for those who have gone before us in death, it is a relief of pain and suffering beyond my understanding.  They get to enjoy what I can only imagine.  They get peace.  They get healing.  The Bible says they get a new body!  WOW, would I love a new body!.  For all of us left behind, we have the difficulty of trying to understand their passing.  We try to continue on in the world.  We try to understand what's happened.  We search for answers.  Sometimes there are no answers.

I am sure though that when my time has come and I draw my last breath on this side, all the wonderful family and friends, and pets (I don't care what anyone says.  I know my dogs will be there!) that have gone before me will be waiting to greet me on the other side!  Wow!  That's exciting.  I mean, that's really exciting!  There are so many things I want to say and ask all of them!  I'm looking forward to that day.

As for those lost to divorce, I hope for everyone involved that forgiveness comes. Whether it's forgiveness for others or forgiveness for ourselves we all need to know forgiveness. Forgiveness is key to survival and the ability to move on.  It's strange because as more time passes it's like it all happened so long ago.  It doesn't have the impact that it once did.  I guess that's healing.  I guess that's what God has given me.  Healing when I didn't think healing was possible.  It's the chance to start over and the chance to see if love is out there for me.  I hope I recognize it when I find it.  I'm afraid I might not know what it looks like!  I'm not going to give up.  I want love, real love, to find me and touch me!

LoVe Is BeAuTiFuL!

Gathering Strength!

There have been so many times in my life that I needed more strength than I thought I possessed.  There were so many times I didn't think I could survive another storm.  So how did I survive?  How did I gather the strength?  That's a question I've been pondering for several days. 

 

 Strength can come from so many different venues.  Of course now, I get my strength from God.  But what did I do before God?  The first half of my life I believed in God, but I did not have a relationship with Him.  There were many times back then that I was very angry with God.  I mean I was a good person so I didn't understand why God could allow all these terrible things to happen to me?  Back then when I needed strength,  I dug deep within myself and found the strength I needed to persevere. I think it was mind over

matter.  I was not going to surrender and lose the battle.  I would live to fight another day!  That was hard.  It was lonely. I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, or get advice from, or support me through it. It was all-consuming.  It drained every bit of energy I had.  There was more stress than I knew what to do with.  Of course, I did survive.  I made it through to battle another day, but at what price?  It was an empty victory.  It was a battle that I didn't have to fight alone, but I didn't know that then.  I didn't know that then, but I know it now!

 

 

The difference in my struggles today and my struggles back then are remarkably different. First of all, now, I do have a relationship with

God.  God and I talk all the time.  That's the great thing about God.  He is always available.  He always wants to hear from me.  He wants me to tell Him what I need and what's bothering me.  He wants me to ask Him what I should do.  He wants to help me. He wants to know my wants too.  The bible says, "You have not because you ask not,"  I decided that I may as well ask.  I have nothing to lose!  Sometimes I picture God looking down on me, shaking His head, and laughing!  He has this big smile on His face and I can just hear Him saying, "See Cyndi,  I told you so!"  I finally figured out that God's way is so much better than mine.  I still have struggles, they just don't have the power to consume me anymore.  Now that's victory!  That's gathering strength!

 

 

There are other ways that I gather strength too.  I also gather strength and inspiration from some wonderful friends and family that are in my life.  There are times when I allow my struggles to gain

way to much control.  It is those times when it seems like God brings someone in to my life so that I remember just how blessed I am.  It allows me to realize that all of us are suffering through some kind of trail.  Their strength to continue on inspires me more than they know.  There are many times that I don't know what to say to them.  My heart breaks for them and my soul aches for them.  I don't know if I could endure what they are enduring.  I think that they have immeasurable strength. I'm pretty sure they don't realize that.  I'm sure they don't know that they are inspiring me.  I'm not sure any of us realize the impact we have on each other's lives.  So, thank you!  I thank all of you for gathering the strength to endure and for sharing that strength with me.

To all of my friends and family, my prayer for you today and every day is for you to be able to gather strength.  I hope that you gather the strength to endure whatever it is you are in the midst of today and whatever lies before you tomorrow.  I hope you know that you are not alone.  Even though the battle you are fighting may be different than anyone else's, we can all encourage, comfort,  and inspire each other.  We can gather strength from God and each other always!




 

It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.

2 Samuel 22.33

 

 

GaThEriNg StReNgTh!

Social Media!

Ahh! Social Media!  You either love it or you hate it!  I don't know a lot about all of them, but Facebook is one of my favorites.   I have also been able to write this blog which is very important to me.  It has given me a sense of purpose for the life I have lived and survived.  I am always hoping that it inspires someone and shows others that are going through similar situations that there is hope.  It is also very healing.  There are still many situations that I have not talked about or blogged about because the wounds are still too deep.

 Me, I love Facebook!  Or at least most of the time I love Facebook.  I know, I know, there are so many people who do not share my enthusiasm for it.  For me, Facebook  has allowed me to reconnect with my wonderful girlfriends from the 70's! These girls were my BFF's before that term was a thought in someone's head!  I lost contact with them sometime in the very late 70's and because of marriage and children and careers and, well, life, we all just became too busy and lost touch with each other.  It wasn't until I was separated from my now x-husband 3 years ago that I started searching for them on Facebook.  It has taken some time, but I'm happy to say most of us are in contact with each other!  Yea!!!!  I sooo missed them in my life.

Social Media also allows us to see what's going on in the lives of friends and family.  It's often

inconvenient  and time consuming for someone to call everyone they know to tell them of life events that are taking place.  Facebook revolutionized the "phone tree"  No longer do we have to call and call and call to get information passed around.  That said, there are times that Facebook is used as a whipping post to chastise someone.  I don't like it when that happens.  First of all the person posting is only giving one side of the issue, theirs.  There is no way for the "chastizee" to vindicate themselves.  There is not a way to respond without causing more harm to themselves and more unkind comments from people who don't' have the complete story but still think they need to post a comment.

Social Media has it's place in our lives, for sure.  The problem is that there are moral issues people should consider when reading and responding to what someone posts.  When I read a post, especially one that is emotionally charged, I don't respond.  I understand the person who wrote it may be hurting, or angry, or sad.  I also realize that I do not have all the facts.  If I want to respond, I do it by private message or phone.  Personal opinions are just that, personal.  They rarely reflect the complete picture and should not be put on social media for other people to respond with uninformed comments.

What I hope all of you consider the next time someone uses social media to air their private issues on, is that you take a deep breath, take a few minutes, and consider what you are about to respond to.  If you don't have all the facts, then what you are responding to is gossip. It's half truths.  No one can defend themselves against gossip.  I don't think anyone would want themselves put in that position.

Social media is here to stay and I love it.  It also comes with a responsibility to be kind and use common sense.

My name is Gossip.
I have no respect for justice. 
I maim without killing. 
I break hearts and ruin lives. 
I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age.

The more I am quoted the more I am believed. 
I flourish at every level of society. 
My victims are helpless. 
They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.

To track me down is impossible. 
The harder you try, the more elusive I become.
I am nobody's friend. 
Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same. 
I topple governments and ruin marriages. 
I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartache and indigestion. 
I spawn suspicion and generate grief.

I make innocent people cry in their pillows. 
Even my name hisses.

I AM CALLED GOSSIP.

author unknown

I LoVe ALL Of YoU!

Voices Past

I have a wonderful friend.  Her name is Sharon.  We met by chance back in the spring.  We have so many common interests and our value system is the same.  It's a perfect friendship fit!  We seem to help each other stay on the right track!  We have a great time trying to figure out this single world!  It's tough out here, you know!  We can talk for hours on the phone sometimes!  Actually, she is so kind because sometimes she just lets me talk on and on!  I enjoy our conversations so much.  You never know where they will lead!  Isn't it great how God sends the right people into our lives to be our friends!

Sharon's told me many times that she thinks I have great insight into things.  She thinks I have great perspective.  Me, I'm not so sure about that, but ok.  The other

day we were talking and the subject came around about saying what you think.  Now, me, I'm very bad at that.  I usually don't say what I think.  The voices in my head always revert to my past experiences so I tend to do what they say.  There are several reasons for that.  First of all, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, even if it means for me to go somewhere or do something I really don't want to do.  It was also drilled in my head the 37 years I was married to be quiet.  It was never acceptable to "talk back" or talk things out.  I learned early on in my marriage to be just that, quiet. Believe me, I see how horrible that sounds now as I write it.  I always thought I accepted it for the greater good.  Who's good?  Certainly not mine.

Here's the problem with having that mind set.  It causes me to do things I really don't want to do.  Or go places I really don't want to go.  It causes me to develop relationships I know aren't right for me, and it keeps me there longer than I should have stayed.  Sometimes it costs me more than I want to pay.  Just like in my past, it turns out it is not for my greater good.

I realize that I can't keep blaming what I do now on the past.  I think letting go of old behaviors is the hardest thing that I'm trying to overcome. It's been difficult for me to break away from the voices of the past.  It's been very hard for me to realize that I am the voice of the present.  I need to hear my voice now.  My voice needs to say what my heart feels and not be afraid.  I have to learn to stand up for myself and what's right for me.  So in my year of happiness, here's to new choices!

Sharon is not afraid to say what she thinks.  That said, she has the kindest way of saying it.  It doesn't hurt someone's feelings or make them mad.  I want to learn how to do that. What I usually do is go along as long as I can, then I freak out and run!  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to be as empowered as Sharon is!  I want to set myself free from the voices of the past.  Sharon told me that the past is gone and  I need to leave it there!  Okay, I know.  I've told myself that so many times lately, but hearing her words made me really hear it.  That's just what I needed.  Sometimes when someone else says the same thing you've been telling yourself, it just resonates with you.

I'm going to let Sharon be my teacher. She said she's going to make me accountable for saying what I

think.  I'm going to learn how to say what I think and do what I want, but the right way!  I can do this!   I really can!  Last night I went to bed feeling kind of powerless.  This morning I woke up feeling powerful!  Isn't that awesome!  What made the difference?  Getting Sharon's perspective was definitely a turning point and when I went to bed and talked to God about it, I asked for power.  Power to hear God's voice, through me.  Power to change those old behaviors.  Power to remove those past voices and replace them with new ones.   My whole perspective has changed.  I feel energized and renewed.  I am powerful!  Awe, don't you just love it when God answers your prayers and equips you with everything you need to succeed!

Thank you Sharon for being a true friend!  You know how hard it is to create a new life because you are doing it yourself!  It's so wonderful to have friends, and  it takes many friends with different perspectives to help you through the tough times.  Those friends who have had to go through some of the same things that you are dealing with can offer support that is immeasurable.  Thank you!

Here's To New Choices!

My HaPpiNeSs Year!

Since I have declared this my "happiness year," I thought I should start the year out defining happiness!

Happiness - noun

A mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy!

Synonyms: pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, contentedness, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction

I don't know about you, but I LoVe the way that sounds!

I hope all of you had a wonderful New Year celebration!  I had a terrific New Year's Eve so I am

convinced that this is truly my happiness year!  Can you tell I'm excited????  Now, I realize this is only the 3rd day of the new year, but I am sooo happy.  Why, you ask?  I'm really not sure, but I'm planning on including in my life the definition and synonyms of happy!  I mean, really, can you not get excited about "bliss?"  WOW!  I can't wait for bliss!  I'm just saying!

Seeing that we have had two days of rain and now cold weather is here, that's a tall order.  If you don't know this, I AM SOLAR POWERED!  I do not like cold or rain.  I like the sun.  I need the sun.  My batteries start to run down if I go too long without the sunshine, so I'm at the very least, hoping the sun is shining today.  At least that way I can stay inside and pull my chair up to the sliding glass doors and pretend I'm laying out at the beach!

I'm not sure what this year holds for me but I'm excited to find out!  I'm not sure how to top my life right now because I have my adorable Lilli Buttercup that so loves me and I so love her.  I have 5 absolutely wonderful grandchildren.  Our sweet baby Ella joined us in late November!  All of my grandchildren are a blast of joy!  I have an awesome condo, a great car and some of the best friends ever! I guess that's why I'm not sure how anything is going to top my life right now, that's why the

joy is overflowing!

My hope is for all of you to know that you can expect joy too!  It's always seemed so far away from me.  I guess I didn't realize that joy comes from within.  My life is in such a wonderful place.  I almost feel unworthy of it.  I will tell you that from my perspective, my relationship with God is key to my happiness.  God is showing me that the happiness I have been seeking for so long was always there, I just needed to accept it from Him.  Wow!  It seems so simple now.  I never realized until recently that God has so many blessings He is waiting to give me, if only I will accept them!  I'm ready!  Bring on the Blessings!

 

I'm ReAdY!  Bring On the BLeSsiNGS!