It' A Wonderful Life!

I was trying to get inspiration ideas for this blog and all I kept hearing in my head was, "You have a wonderful life."

I just smiled, and I'm still smiling, because, you know what?  I do have a wonderful life!  I feel like my whole body is happy!  I have "goosies" all over!  What a great feeling!  There have been times in my life where things happened that made me very happy, but I don't know if I've ever felt happiness like this.  I am so content. It's so nice to be content!

My favorite movie ever is " It's A Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart.  I don't want to watch the color version.  I love the old black and white. I don't know why they have to try to ruin a movie with color if it's in black and white.  That's part of what I love!!   I have watched this movie countless times every year during the holiday season.  I can't wait for it to start being shown again.  Here's my favorite scene.

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary: I'll take it. Then what?  George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?

Oh how I just love George and Mary!  I can relate to George in so many ways.  George thought his life had no value.  He thought it didn't matter if he was ever born.  He thought he was worth more dead than alive.  George was desperate and despondent.  But what George learned in the end was that he had touched so many people in so many ways.  He saw how the smallest acts of kindness or bravery he had shown changed everything for someone else.  At the end of the movie George sees Clarence's copy of Tom Sawyer and opens to the front and the inscription reads, "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence."  I love the purpose that George finds.  George finds HOPE.





You never really know how many people or how you touch someone's life.  I know I have felt

desperate and despondent.  I have felt so unloved.  But, I can also tell you that I have had some wonderful friends give me HOPE when I didn't have any.  I can also tell you this.  For anyone who's reading this and you think you don't matter, WE ALL MATTER!  We all come in contact with so many people.  Most of the time it's just a moment.  BUT one moment, one second, can change someone's perspective.  It can take that desperation and give them HOPE.  All anyone needs is a little HOPE.  Just a glimmer will get someone through to a place of HOPE. The holiday season is approaching and holidays for anyone without hope is very hard to get through. 

 

Please try to remember this when you're in a hurry and your frustrated and impatient.  You could be that glimmer of hope someone else needs just at that moment in time to get them to the next second to see things differently.  Sometimes all someone needs is the next second.   Believe me, I'm talking to myself as well.  How wonderful to give someone another second to see HOPE and never even know it!

I Will Share HOPE!

Acceptance

Acceptance.  noun. The act of accepting or the state of being accepted or acceptable.  Favorable; approval.

EvEeRyBoDy wants it.  I think everybody needs it in some form.  We spend our lifetime trying to win approval/acceptance, for our work, from our parents, our spouse, teachers, our children, our friends, our significant others and even from people we meet for just a moment.  We want to be aCcEpTeD for how we live our lives and how we conduct ourselves.  We want acceptance for what we believe in and what we don't.

It seems so SiMpLe to me.  Being accepted, I mean.  Just being accepted for who you are.  All the fLaWs.  All the qUiRkS.  All the bAgGaGe.  All the things you're passionate about and all the things you just don't like.  We all have them.  We all have things in our character or things in our life that make us, or made us, who we are.  Some things you can change if you wanted to.   Some things you want to cHaNgE and don't.   And some things are exactly the way you want it.  There's nothing wrong with

that.

I'm sure if I asked, there would be pLeNtY of suggestions on how I could change myself for the better.  Someone else's better.  But I think I did all the changing in my life I want to do.  I don't want to change anything about mYseLf anymore.  I like who I am.  I like the person who looks back at me when I look in the mirror.  I think she's great!

Just like that favorite old pair of shoes you have.  You know the ones.  You know you should throw them out.  They're worn out.

They look terrible.  The soles are thin.  The leather is scuffed and scratched.  But they are so comfortable.  They fit you so well.  You love them.  So you keep them. They are acceptable just the way they are.  To me that's the way you should feel about yOuRsELf, too.

I try very hard to accept people the way they are.  Sure, I guess there are always things you see in someone that you'd want to change if you could.  But then that's not for me to do.  My part in their life is to love them the way they are.  SoMeTiMeS the things you would change in someone would make them a totally different person.  They wouldn't be the person you know.  They wouldn't be the pErSoN you cared about in the first place.

I spent most of my life trying so hard to be aCcEpTeD.  I tried to be who I thought my parents wanted me to be.  I tried to be who I thought my husband wanted me to be.
 I tried to become who I thought I should be so I would be LoVeD.  I couldn't do it.  I failed miserably.  I was miserable and unhappy while trying to achieve it, too.  The person that I thought everyone wanted me to be aLwAyS remained just outside of my grasp.  Why?  Because I needed to uNdErStAnD that I'm acceptable just the way I am. I needed to learn to accept myself.  I am exactly who I'm supposed to be.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  Acceptable or unacceptable to anyone else.   I'm me.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Just me.  I LiKe tHaT!

I Am AcCePtAbLe!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is hard.  But forgiveness is necessary for healing.  No matter how hard you try to forget the things that hurt you, until there is forgiveness, nothing inside you can change or heal.  Before you can forgive anyone else, you have to forgive yourself.   Forgiving myself was the hardest thing to do.  When I really analyzed the situation, I was angry at myself for letting my bad marriage go on so long.  I was angry that I gave up such a huge span of my life that I could never get back. I was angry and hurt that I had worked so hard to make my marriage work and taken so much crap and I ended up having to walk away.  I was angry that I was duped.  I was duped for almost 40 years.  Why didn't I see that?  Why didn't I see that it was never a marriage?  I was angry that I waited this long and now I'm 57 and certainly it would have been much easier to start over if I

was 20 or 30 years younger.

While going through separation and divorce there was plenty of time for me to think about what happened.  Even now, when I think about it, the only thing I will take responsibility for is that I didn't have a voice.  I didn't speak up for myself.  I didn't protect myself.  I accepted very bad behavior instead of standing up for what was right.  I allowed myself to be treated like I was unworthy of anything good.  When I didn't fight back, when I didn't expect good treatment,  I was saying it's okay to treat me that way, so I got more of the same.  I gave away my power, my self respect, my self esteem, and everything else good you can think of.  How is it that I didn't think I was worthy of

anything good?

It's been almost one year since my divorce was final.  How much progress have I made?  Forgiveness was impossible at first.  There was anger, bitterness, hate, and sorrow that had to be dealt with.  All of that was inside me, eating away at any progress I thought I was making.  Just when I would think I had a handle on it, life would come crashing down around me and I'd have to start over.  It was after that senecio played out over and over again that I realized I wasn't going to be able to move forward until forgiveness happened and it had to start with me.

 The first thing I had to understand and believe was that it was not my fault.  I couldn't have changed anything.  I could not have made it work no matter what.  That's how I started to forgive myself.  I started to tell myself over and over that I am worthy and I deserve good things.  I had to tell myself that I am strong and courageous through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.  I had to tell myself that God loves me and that I deserve to love myself.  I must have said all those things thousands of times.

Many times I said it while looking at myself in the mirror.  When I first started doing that, I couldn't

even look myself in the eye.  And when I did, I couldn't see anything to love.  All I could see were all the flaws that I had been told over and over again for years that I had.  Wow, that's sad:(  It was very slow going at first.  Then I began to see changes taking place.  I just kept at it.  I kept plugging along.  I didn't give up on me!  And now, I can not only look myself in the eye, I also smile at myself and truly love myself.  Yea!  Victory!  That's not to say, I still don't have bad days, but they are fewer and fewer.  I like that.  I did forgive myself.  When I did that, I set myself free. And a funny thing happened.  Before forgiveness, I couldn't even say my x-husbands name.  Now I can do that without feeling like I'm going to throw up. What I'm saying is that in forgiving myself, I allowed myself to forgive him.  I'm not angry or bitter or sad anymore.  That doesn't mean that it's forgotten.  It means I don't give those feelings power over me anymore.  He is still responsible for what he did, and he will have to answer one day for the things he's done.  But that's on him.

There is a song I heard in church back when my separation first happened.  I sang and still sing those words as an anthem to where I was and how far I have come.  Here they are:



 Through you the blind will see

Through you the mute will sing

Through you the dead will rise

Through you all hearts will praise

Through you my heart screams

I am free, yes, I am free

I am free to run ( I am free to run)

I am free to dance (I am free to dance)

I am free to live for you (I am free to live for you)

Yes I am free (I am free)

As for me, FoRgiVeNeSs Is FrEeDom!

I Am Free!

A Life Lesson!

There are so many things I want to say today.  Right now they are jUmBLed in my head and I can't get a clear thought, so as I usually do, I am asking God to CaLm them down and make them cLeAr.

It has taken me a long time to realize what was always missing in my life.  I could never quite put my finger on it, but it felt like I was missing something.  I rEaLiZe now that I have spent all of my life seeking love and calm and understanding and peace and acceptance and contentment.  Of course, I think most of us look for that.  I even searched for it as a child, though I still don't understand why.  I had great parents and really think I had a pretty good childhood. There are many people that have been blessed enough to already have found it.  To all of you, and you know who you are, I'm jEaLoUs!  Just saying!

During my marriage, I looked for it in my hUsBaND and in my mArRiAgE, and I definitely did not find it

there.  I looked for it in my cHiLdReN, and though they brought me many things, especially love, children rarely bring you peace!  Mine weren't very different than most children, that's just the way it is, no peace!  I looked for it in my jOb.  I definitely didn't find it there.  I found an awful lot of stress.  I really loved my job and at times really miss it. I love all the people that I was bLeSsEd to know and have them touch my life, but they could only fulfill some of the things I was searching for.

I tried to find it in stuff!  StUfF can certainly make me happy, at least temporarily.  Some of it made my life easier. Most of the time it was just because I wanted it.  There's always biGgEr and bEtTeR and more efficient and prettier stuff.   I realize that even with all the stuff I owned, I wasn't content.  I was always on the search for more stuff.  I thought maybe I just needed more stuff or different stuff.  Yea, that's it!  So I continued to buy more stuff.  But I never found it in stuff. 

I tried to find it in shopping!  Lord knows, I tried!  You know what I'm talking about.  There aren't too many women that don't love to shop!  I'm always ready for sHoPpiNg.  When someone asks me what I like to do in my spare time, I tell them shop!  I am really good at it too!  I know I can't be the only one that when I'm feeling down and blue or stressed, I go shopping.  It's one of my favorite therapy's!  But again, it's temporary.   Now, I don't have to spend a lot of money to feel bEtTeR, though I have at times.  Even if I only bought a tube of lipstick, I could feel my mood change immediately.  I always lAuGh at myself, because when I first walk in a store, I stop at the entrance and take a deep breath.  Just the smell of all that "new" is intoxicating!  I can hear you laughing, but try it next time.  You'll see what I'm talking about!  What a rush!!!!  I still have bEaUtiFuL things and I love looking at them and enjoying them.  In many ways, they bring me pleasure.  But I didn't find everything I was looking for sHoPpIng. 

I've had beautiful homes and nice cars (for the most part) and I've always been very proud of owning them and taking good care of them. It made me feel vErY accomplished and successful and I felt like, yes, this is what life must be all about.  But I didn't find what I was looking for in any of them.

As I sTaRtEd examining my life a couple of years ago, when it began to unravel, and I was trying to find answers, I realized all the things I told you above.  Since then I've been trying figure out how I acquire peace and calm and understanding and acceptance and contentment, if it's not in all the places I thought it was nor in all the money I've spent trying to acquire it, WHERE IS IT?  Here's what I found out.

The other night, I met someone with all the things I've been frantically searching for all my life.  As I liStEnEd to him talk and watched him interacting with everyone, I could see it.  I recognized it immediately.  There was peace and calm surrounding him.  It's in his voice as he speaks. There was acceptance and love, and happiness and joy.  It saturates the wOrDs he uses as he describes his life and I see contentment in his eyes when I look at them.  I don't think he even realizes that about himself.  He so freely gives it all away to everyone he meets.  The more you give sOmEtHiNg away, the more it comes back to you!  That's a law of the universe.  Wow!  That's it!That's what I want.  That's everything I'm missing.  I think it comes from the one place I never looked, within!  I think it's in his heart and in his soul and he can't help but share it!  What a gift!  So that's where I'm LoOkiNg now!  I don't know how hard it will be for me to find it in myself.  There's probably still a lot of junk I need to get rid of and throw away so there's room for what I wAnT to move in.  But that's what I want and I'm willing to do what it takes to get it.  Maybe that's what my jOuRnEy is about. Finding all the things I've spent my life searching for.  I never found me.  I never knew me.  I never loved me, and I was never content with me!  Oh, this is going to be FUN!  A new door has been oPeNed to possibilities I never imagined!  Thank you for showing me that!  Thank you for sHaRiNG it!   It's the best gift anyone's ever given me!

I LoVe LiFe LeSsoNs!

You Get What You Get........or Do You?

Have you ever heard the sAyInG, "You get what you get and you don't pitch a fit?  My grandchildren have hEaRd it many times from all of us.  They know when we say it, that is it.  The discussion is over.  NoThIng is going to change, so be sAtIsFiEd with what you have.

While I was wAlKiNg on the beach the other night, talking to God.  I always do that. I was asking him for help.  I needed some iNsPiRaTiOn for this blog. I wasn't sure what I was going to write about.  After I asked Him, I said, "Ok God, now I'm going to be qUiEt so I can hEaR you. That's really not easy for me to be quiet!  I continued walking trying not to think over God.  I started getting the above rhyme in my head.  I just kept repeating it  over and over getting frustrated with myself and then I realized that was what God was telling me.  I couldn't quite figure out what I was supposed to do with that little children's rhyme and then it hit me!

That's what I did in my marriage relationship!  I took what I got and didn't question it.  And hOnEsTLy, I've probably done that in a lot of other instances. And I don't mean not being sAtIsFiEd with what I have and where I am.  I'm talking about settling for less than God intended for me!  I made up this line for my version of the rhyme, "I had what I had and it turned out real bad!"  SoRrY! That's exactly what I did.  I thought I had to settle for the inexcusable way I was treated all my life.  I always thought that whatever tiny bit of kindness or affection or common decency my ex-husband threw my way, it was good enough.  To me, those are two of the worse words in the English language when used together, "good enough!" I thought I should be happy with that.  I should sEtTLe.  After all, that's what I signed on for, right?

Well ladies, I'm hear to tell you that settling isn't gOoD enough!  What I had oVeRlOoKeD for all those years is that my Father is the King (Jesus)!   That makes me, the daughter of the King, a princess!  That's exciting!  I'm a pRiNcEsS!  I don't have to get what I get and don't pitch a fit!  That said, I'm wAiTiNg on my pRiNcE.  A princess should never settle for a fRoG, ever! A few months ago someone told me, "Well maybe you have to settle."  I settled the first time, and tRuSt me on that, I had a lifetime of misery.  I WILL NOT SETTLE! Not ever again. Having no one is better than sEtTliNg!   I am calling my awesome guy that God has pIcKeD out my "soulman," instead of soulmate.  I like that because the sOuL is on the inside. This time, I have a list of things that are important to me.  I am not going to sEtTlE, period.  The outer shell is not as iMpOrTaNt to me as the inner person. My ex-husband had a great outer shell, but was eMpTy on the inside.

I am very eXcItEd to meet my sOuLmAN!  I don't know when that will happen, because God's timing is perfect, but I do know that God has piCkEd him out just for me!  And because I'm His child, I know I do not have to worry.  I will not be diSaPpOiNtEd!  Of course, I do hope it's sooner than later.  I'm not getting any younger!  Thing is, none of us have to settle for or stay in a rElAtiOnShiP that is not good.  I wish I had this courage years ago.  But this was my time.  This was my time to be free and start over!  Woohoo!

I LoVe BeInG A PrInCeSs!

I

Single Versus Married

I was reading an article earlier in the paper about whether SiNgLe people and mArRrIeD people can be friends. It's almost like asking can girls and guys be just friends?  Of course, you can be, but it's tough sometimes.  I think its much harder if the married person knew you before you were single.  I've been both single and married, so I started tHiNkInG  about this. I do know some of my personal relationships changed and not for the better.  I liken it to having an illness and no one knows what to say so they just avoid you or say nothing at all.

It feels like some of my mArRiEd friends are having a hard time being my friend now. I understand some things have changed and we are on DiFfErEnT playing fields and it feels like there is no common denominator, but I'm still the same person.  Actually, I'm a better person than I was. You used to have so much to talk about and suddenly that seems to be gone.

I feel like my married friends aVoId asking questions about my single life all together. Maybe they are uncomfortable or feel awkward.  I really don't underatand why. They may ask, "So what have you been up to."  Thing is they really don't want to know. They don't seem iNtErEsTeD in really getting an answer.  It's like when you greet someone and say, Hi, How are you?"  You really don't want them to tell you how they are.  It's just a nicety. It makes me feel unimportant and that the person just doesn't care.  It's hApPeNeD so many times that now I just answer, "Nothing much."

During my separation/divorce I can understand why fRiEnDs would avoid conversations, but now, honestly, I don't get it.  I'm over the dIvOrCe for the most part.  I'm ready to live again!  I want to share this time with fAmIlY and fRiEnDs!  This is the fun part of starting over.  It's not always easy and there are rough spots for sure.  I do have things to lAuGh about and funny things happen when I've been out, but no one wants to hear about them.  SoMehOw, I need to change that. Walking away would be easy for me.  I have walked away from many things for a big part of my life. Many years ago I walked away from the idea that I could be happy and fulfilled, and have a wonderful married life, to just settling for a nothing life, because I was made to believe I wasn't wOrTh it.  I walked away from my whole life, losing a few friends after that seems easy.

Light bulb moment!!!!  I'm rEaLiNg as I'm writing this that I am partly responsible for feeling this way. I realize I have put a wall up between my married friends and mYsElF because I don't want to be rejected any more and that's how I fEel when it seems like my friends/family are not interested in my life.  ReJeCtEd!  I hate that feeling.  I've been rejected most of my life and I can't do that anymore. That feeling is the one rEaSoN that I can just walk away. WoW!  Now that I realize this,  I think I need to cHaNgE the emotional reaction I have associated with them.  Maybe I need to take more time and make the person feel cOmFoRtAbLe being around me and talking to me.  I NEED TO TAKE THAT WALL DOWN!  My married friends/family are worth it.  I love that I get to have a nEw life and become a new person on my own!  I need my married friends/family to stay in my life and share this exciting time with me!

I LoVe LiGhT BuLd MoMeNtS!

I've Got to Get Out of This Place. If It's the Last Thing I Ever Do!

I had a blog I worked on the other night, but I feel I'm being pulled in a new direction.  I want to talk about cOmFoRt ZoNeS!  Mine in particular.  I don't call it my comfort zone, though I'm very comfortable there, I'm just not happy there!   I always say I need  to step outside my box I've insisted that I must live in almost all of my life.  My life has always had many, many rules.  Some were rules that spilled over from my childhood.  Some were rules I made myself follow, and many were from my marriage.  I paid a high price for letting my box have so much power over me.  I lost myself.  My bOx kept me from becoming who I could have been.  I won't ever get to know that person.  I think she would have been aWeSoMe!  But I do have the chance to be the person I want to be now.  I want to be cArEfReE.  I want to be sPoNtAnEoUs!  I want to have fUn!  I want to live fReE!  I've never done that, just live.  The thought of that is so foreign to me.   I never thought about myself.  What do I like?  What do I want to Do?  What will make me happy?  I don't know the answer to any of those questions, and I don't know how to get out of my box!

Now that I can see how destructive my box was and is to me, I'm going to work very hard to dEsTrOy my box!  That sounds easy enough, but believe me it won't be.  Tucked neatly inside my bOx is fear.  It's very subtle, just lying there, but if I try to cHaLlEnGe it, it wastes no time stopping me in my tracks.  The fear of bReAKiNg a rule is cRIpPlInG. It controls me.  It kept me in a 37 year unhealthy marriage.  The fear of, What if?  If I thought about going against

any of the rules, What if would remind me of all the things that might happen.  What if, kept me neatly iMpRiSoNeD inside my box.  I might not be happy, or fulfilled or being treated right, but What if made sure I knew it wasn't about me.  I gave up myself for my box.  Wow! 

 Some of these rules are absolutely aBsUrD to me now as I'm thinking of them.  But for almost all of my life they've seemed not only very iMpOrTaNt, but were necessary for my world to function properly.  I thought that if I just fOlLoWeD all the rules everything would be ok.  Of course it was never ok, but I never gave up trying to make it all ok.

Everything I do in my life has an order and a RuLe that must be fOlLoWeD.  If not?  Well in my head, it would be doom and dEvAsTaTiOn, for sure.  I've decided I don't want to live my life that way aNYmOrE.  I want to be free of my box. I want to be fEaRLeSs!  I need to find ways to free myself of the fear and the guilt that if I don't follow all those rules sOmEtHiNg bad will happen.  I don't know how to be a free spirit!  I want to be cArEfReE and uNiNhIbItEd .  I don't want to think, What if? anymore.

 

Maybe this is what my journey's all about.  Maybe this is what God wants me to learn.  To be fReE and fEaRlEsS.  To give up cOnTrOl and give it all to Him.  I like the sound of that!  So today, I'm not going to make my bed!  Today, instead of tHiNkInG if I don't make my bed I'll die and people will think I'm messy, I'm going to bElIeVe it doesn't matter if the bed's made.  It has no part in the fUtUrE of how my day will go.  And tomorrow, maybe I'll go to a restaurant and sit at a table all by mYseLF and eat and it will all be ok!


If aNyOnE has any ideas for me that would help me learn to be fReE and fEaRlEsS, please let me know!  I'd love all of you to be a part of my jOuRnEy!  As I try different things, I'll let you know how it went.  As the song goes,
 "I'll get by with a little help from my fRiEnDs.  I'm gonna try with a
 little help from my fRiEnDs!"

ThIs iS wHeRe I wANt To LiVe ThE  rEsT oF mY LiFe!