It' A Wonderful Life!

I was trying to get inspiration ideas for this blog and all I kept hearing in my head was, "You have a wonderful life."

I just smiled, and I'm still smiling, because, you know what?  I do have a wonderful life!  I feel like my whole body is happy!  I have "goosies" all over!  What a great feeling!  There have been times in my life where things happened that made me very happy, but I don't know if I've ever felt happiness like this.  I am so content. It's so nice to be content!

My favorite movie ever is " It's A Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart.  I don't want to watch the color version.  I love the old black and white. I don't know why they have to try to ruin a movie with color if it's in black and white.  That's part of what I love!!   I have watched this movie countless times every year during the holiday season.  I can't wait for it to start being shown again.  Here's my favorite scene.

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary: I'll take it. Then what?  George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?

Oh how I just love George and Mary!  I can relate to George in so many ways.  George thought his life had no value.  He thought it didn't matter if he was ever born.  He thought he was worth more dead than alive.  George was desperate and despondent.  But what George learned in the end was that he had touched so many people in so many ways.  He saw how the smallest acts of kindness or bravery he had shown changed everything for someone else.  At the end of the movie George sees Clarence's copy of Tom Sawyer and opens to the front and the inscription reads, "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence."  I love the purpose that George finds.  George finds HOPE.





You never really know how many people or how you touch someone's life.  I know I have felt

desperate and despondent.  I have felt so unloved.  But, I can also tell you that I have had some wonderful friends give me HOPE when I didn't have any.  I can also tell you this.  For anyone who's reading this and you think you don't matter, WE ALL MATTER!  We all come in contact with so many people.  Most of the time it's just a moment.  BUT one moment, one second, can change someone's perspective.  It can take that desperation and give them HOPE.  All anyone needs is a little HOPE.  Just a glimmer will get someone through to a place of HOPE. The holiday season is approaching and holidays for anyone without hope is very hard to get through. 

 

Please try to remember this when you're in a hurry and your frustrated and impatient.  You could be that glimmer of hope someone else needs just at that moment in time to get them to the next second to see things differently.  Sometimes all someone needs is the next second.   Believe me, I'm talking to myself as well.  How wonderful to give someone another second to see HOPE and never even know it!

I Will Share HOPE!

Acceptance

Acceptance.  noun. The act of accepting or the state of being accepted or acceptable.  Favorable; approval.

EvEeRyBoDy wants it.  I think everybody needs it in some form.  We spend our lifetime trying to win approval/acceptance, for our work, from our parents, our spouse, teachers, our children, our friends, our significant others and even from people we meet for just a moment.  We want to be aCcEpTeD for how we live our lives and how we conduct ourselves.  We want acceptance for what we believe in and what we don't.

It seems so SiMpLe to me.  Being accepted, I mean.  Just being accepted for who you are.  All the fLaWs.  All the qUiRkS.  All the bAgGaGe.  All the things you're passionate about and all the things you just don't like.  We all have them.  We all have things in our character or things in our life that make us, or made us, who we are.  Some things you can change if you wanted to.   Some things you want to cHaNgE and don't.   And some things are exactly the way you want it.  There's nothing wrong with

that.

I'm sure if I asked, there would be pLeNtY of suggestions on how I could change myself for the better.  Someone else's better.  But I think I did all the changing in my life I want to do.  I don't want to change anything about mYseLf anymore.  I like who I am.  I like the person who looks back at me when I look in the mirror.  I think she's great!

Just like that favorite old pair of shoes you have.  You know the ones.  You know you should throw them out.  They're worn out.

They look terrible.  The soles are thin.  The leather is scuffed and scratched.  But they are so comfortable.  They fit you so well.  You love them.  So you keep them. They are acceptable just the way they are.  To me that's the way you should feel about yOuRsELf, too.

I try very hard to accept people the way they are.  Sure, I guess there are always things you see in someone that you'd want to change if you could.  But then that's not for me to do.  My part in their life is to love them the way they are.  SoMeTiMeS the things you would change in someone would make them a totally different person.  They wouldn't be the person you know.  They wouldn't be the pErSoN you cared about in the first place.

I spent most of my life trying so hard to be aCcEpTeD.  I tried to be who I thought my parents wanted me to be.  I tried to be who I thought my husband wanted me to be.
 I tried to become who I thought I should be so I would be LoVeD.  I couldn't do it.  I failed miserably.  I was miserable and unhappy while trying to achieve it, too.  The person that I thought everyone wanted me to be aLwAyS remained just outside of my grasp.  Why?  Because I needed to uNdErStAnD that I'm acceptable just the way I am. I needed to learn to accept myself.  I am exactly who I'm supposed to be.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  Acceptable or unacceptable to anyone else.   I'm me.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Just me.  I LiKe tHaT!

I Am AcCePtAbLe!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is hard.  But forgiveness is necessary for healing.  No matter how hard you try to forget the things that hurt you, until there is forgiveness, nothing inside you can change or heal.  Before you can forgive anyone else, you have to forgive yourself.   Forgiving myself was the hardest thing to do.  When I really analyzed the situation, I was angry at myself for letting my bad marriage go on so long.  I was angry that I gave up such a huge span of my life that I could never get back. I was angry and hurt that I had worked so hard to make my marriage work and taken so much crap and I ended up having to walk away.  I was angry that I was duped.  I was duped for almost 40 years.  Why didn't I see that?  Why didn't I see that it was never a marriage?  I was angry that I waited this long and now I'm 57 and certainly it would have been much easier to start over if I

was 20 or 30 years younger.

While going through separation and divorce there was plenty of time for me to think about what happened.  Even now, when I think about it, the only thing I will take responsibility for is that I didn't have a voice.  I didn't speak up for myself.  I didn't protect myself.  I accepted very bad behavior instead of standing up for what was right.  I allowed myself to be treated like I was unworthy of anything good.  When I didn't fight back, when I didn't expect good treatment,  I was saying it's okay to treat me that way, so I got more of the same.  I gave away my power, my self respect, my self esteem, and everything else good you can think of.  How is it that I didn't think I was worthy of

anything good?

It's been almost one year since my divorce was final.  How much progress have I made?  Forgiveness was impossible at first.  There was anger, bitterness, hate, and sorrow that had to be dealt with.  All of that was inside me, eating away at any progress I thought I was making.  Just when I would think I had a handle on it, life would come crashing down around me and I'd have to start over.  It was after that senecio played out over and over again that I realized I wasn't going to be able to move forward until forgiveness happened and it had to start with me.

 The first thing I had to understand and believe was that it was not my fault.  I couldn't have changed anything.  I could not have made it work no matter what.  That's how I started to forgive myself.  I started to tell myself over and over that I am worthy and I deserve good things.  I had to tell myself that I am strong and courageous through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.  I had to tell myself that God loves me and that I deserve to love myself.  I must have said all those things thousands of times.

Many times I said it while looking at myself in the mirror.  When I first started doing that, I couldn't

even look myself in the eye.  And when I did, I couldn't see anything to love.  All I could see were all the flaws that I had been told over and over again for years that I had.  Wow, that's sad:(  It was very slow going at first.  Then I began to see changes taking place.  I just kept at it.  I kept plugging along.  I didn't give up on me!  And now, I can not only look myself in the eye, I also smile at myself and truly love myself.  Yea!  Victory!  That's not to say, I still don't have bad days, but they are fewer and fewer.  I like that.  I did forgive myself.  When I did that, I set myself free. And a funny thing happened.  Before forgiveness, I couldn't even say my x-husbands name.  Now I can do that without feeling like I'm going to throw up. What I'm saying is that in forgiving myself, I allowed myself to forgive him.  I'm not angry or bitter or sad anymore.  That doesn't mean that it's forgotten.  It means I don't give those feelings power over me anymore.  He is still responsible for what he did, and he will have to answer one day for the things he's done.  But that's on him.

There is a song I heard in church back when my separation first happened.  I sang and still sing those words as an anthem to where I was and how far I have come.  Here they are:



 Through you the blind will see

Through you the mute will sing

Through you the dead will rise

Through you all hearts will praise

Through you my heart screams

I am free, yes, I am free

I am free to run ( I am free to run)

I am free to dance (I am free to dance)

I am free to live for you (I am free to live for you)

Yes I am free (I am free)

As for me, FoRgiVeNeSs Is FrEeDom!

I Am Free!

A Life Lesson!

There are so many things I want to say today.  Right now they are jUmBLed in my head and I can't get a clear thought, so as I usually do, I am asking God to CaLm them down and make them cLeAr.

It has taken me a long time to realize what was always missing in my life.  I could never quite put my finger on it, but it felt like I was missing something.  I rEaLiZe now that I have spent all of my life seeking love and calm and understanding and peace and acceptance and contentment.  Of course, I think most of us look for that.  I even searched for it as a child, though I still don't understand why.  I had great parents and really think I had a pretty good childhood. There are many people that have been blessed enough to already have found it.  To all of you, and you know who you are, I'm jEaLoUs!  Just saying!

During my marriage, I looked for it in my hUsBaND and in my mArRiAgE, and I definitely did not find it

there.  I looked for it in my cHiLdReN, and though they brought me many things, especially love, children rarely bring you peace!  Mine weren't very different than most children, that's just the way it is, no peace!  I looked for it in my jOb.  I definitely didn't find it there.  I found an awful lot of stress.  I really loved my job and at times really miss it. I love all the people that I was bLeSsEd to know and have them touch my life, but they could only fulfill some of the things I was searching for.

I tried to find it in stuff!  StUfF can certainly make me happy, at least temporarily.  Some of it made my life easier. Most of the time it was just because I wanted it.  There's always biGgEr and bEtTeR and more efficient and prettier stuff.   I realize that even with all the stuff I owned, I wasn't content.  I was always on the search for more stuff.  I thought maybe I just needed more stuff or different stuff.  Yea, that's it!  So I continued to buy more stuff.  But I never found it in stuff. 

I tried to find it in shopping!  Lord knows, I tried!  You know what I'm talking about.  There aren't too many women that don't love to shop!  I'm always ready for sHoPpiNg.  When someone asks me what I like to do in my spare time, I tell them shop!  I am really good at it too!  I know I can't be the only one that when I'm feeling down and blue or stressed, I go shopping.  It's one of my favorite therapy's!  But again, it's temporary.   Now, I don't have to spend a lot of money to feel bEtTeR, though I have at times.  Even if I only bought a tube of lipstick, I could feel my mood change immediately.  I always lAuGh at myself, because when I first walk in a store, I stop at the entrance and take a deep breath.  Just the smell of all that "new" is intoxicating!  I can hear you laughing, but try it next time.  You'll see what I'm talking about!  What a rush!!!!  I still have bEaUtiFuL things and I love looking at them and enjoying them.  In many ways, they bring me pleasure.  But I didn't find everything I was looking for sHoPpIng. 

I've had beautiful homes and nice cars (for the most part) and I've always been very proud of owning them and taking good care of them. It made me feel vErY accomplished and successful and I felt like, yes, this is what life must be all about.  But I didn't find what I was looking for in any of them.

As I sTaRtEd examining my life a couple of years ago, when it began to unravel, and I was trying to find answers, I realized all the things I told you above.  Since then I've been trying figure out how I acquire peace and calm and understanding and acceptance and contentment, if it's not in all the places I thought it was nor in all the money I've spent trying to acquire it, WHERE IS IT?  Here's what I found out.

The other night, I met someone with all the things I've been frantically searching for all my life.  As I liStEnEd to him talk and watched him interacting with everyone, I could see it.  I recognized it immediately.  There was peace and calm surrounding him.  It's in his voice as he speaks. There was acceptance and love, and happiness and joy.  It saturates the wOrDs he uses as he describes his life and I see contentment in his eyes when I look at them.  I don't think he even realizes that about himself.  He so freely gives it all away to everyone he meets.  The more you give sOmEtHiNg away, the more it comes back to you!  That's a law of the universe.  Wow!  That's it!That's what I want.  That's everything I'm missing.  I think it comes from the one place I never looked, within!  I think it's in his heart and in his soul and he can't help but share it!  What a gift!  So that's where I'm LoOkiNg now!  I don't know how hard it will be for me to find it in myself.  There's probably still a lot of junk I need to get rid of and throw away so there's room for what I wAnT to move in.  But that's what I want and I'm willing to do what it takes to get it.  Maybe that's what my jOuRnEy is about. Finding all the things I've spent my life searching for.  I never found me.  I never knew me.  I never loved me, and I was never content with me!  Oh, this is going to be FUN!  A new door has been oPeNed to possibilities I never imagined!  Thank you for showing me that!  Thank you for sHaRiNG it!   It's the best gift anyone's ever given me!

I LoVe LiFe LeSsoNs!