Forgiveness

Forgiveness is hard.  But forgiveness is necessary for healing.  No matter how hard you try to forget the things that hurt you, until there is forgiveness, nothing inside you can change or heal.  Before you can forgive anyone else, you have to forgive yourself.   Forgiving myself was the hardest thing to do.  When I really analyzed the situation, I was angry at myself for letting my bad marriage go on so long.  I was angry that I gave up such a huge span of my life that I could never get back. I was angry and hurt that I had worked so hard to make my marriage work and taken so much crap and I ended up having to walk away.  I was angry that I was duped.  I was duped for almost 40 years.  Why didn't I see that?  Why didn't I see that it was never a marriage?  I was angry that I waited this long and now I'm 57 and certainly it would have been much easier to start over if I

was 20 or 30 years younger.

While going through separation and divorce there was plenty of time for me to think about what happened.  Even now, when I think about it, the only thing I will take responsibility for is that I didn't have a voice.  I didn't speak up for myself.  I didn't protect myself.  I accepted very bad behavior instead of standing up for what was right.  I allowed myself to be treated like I was unworthy of anything good.  When I didn't fight back, when I didn't expect good treatment,  I was saying it's okay to treat me that way, so I got more of the same.  I gave away my power, my self respect, my self esteem, and everything else good you can think of.  How is it that I didn't think I was worthy of

anything good?

It's been almost one year since my divorce was final.  How much progress have I made?  Forgiveness was impossible at first.  There was anger, bitterness, hate, and sorrow that had to be dealt with.  All of that was inside me, eating away at any progress I thought I was making.  Just when I would think I had a handle on it, life would come crashing down around me and I'd have to start over.  It was after that senecio played out over and over again that I realized I wasn't going to be able to move forward until forgiveness happened and it had to start with me.

 The first thing I had to understand and believe was that it was not my fault.  I couldn't have changed anything.  I could not have made it work no matter what.  That's how I started to forgive myself.  I started to tell myself over and over that I am worthy and I deserve good things.  I had to tell myself that I am strong and courageous through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.  I had to tell myself that God loves me and that I deserve to love myself.  I must have said all those things thousands of times.

Many times I said it while looking at myself in the mirror.  When I first started doing that, I couldn't

even look myself in the eye.  And when I did, I couldn't see anything to love.  All I could see were all the flaws that I had been told over and over again for years that I had.  Wow, that's sad:(  It was very slow going at first.  Then I began to see changes taking place.  I just kept at it.  I kept plugging along.  I didn't give up on me!  And now, I can not only look myself in the eye, I also smile at myself and truly love myself.  Yea!  Victory!  That's not to say, I still don't have bad days, but they are fewer and fewer.  I like that.  I did forgive myself.  When I did that, I set myself free. And a funny thing happened.  Before forgiveness, I couldn't even say my x-husbands name.  Now I can do that without feeling like I'm going to throw up. What I'm saying is that in forgiving myself, I allowed myself to forgive him.  I'm not angry or bitter or sad anymore.  That doesn't mean that it's forgotten.  It means I don't give those feelings power over me anymore.  He is still responsible for what he did, and he will have to answer one day for the things he's done.  But that's on him.

There is a song I heard in church back when my separation first happened.  I sang and still sing those words as an anthem to where I was and how far I have come.  Here they are:



 Through you the blind will see

Through you the mute will sing

Through you the dead will rise

Through you all hearts will praise

Through you my heart screams

I am free, yes, I am free

I am free to run ( I am free to run)

I am free to dance (I am free to dance)

I am free to live for you (I am free to live for you)

Yes I am free (I am free)

As for me, FoRgiVeNeSs Is FrEeDom!

I Am Free!