Invisible Scars

Psychological Abuse - includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, etc.

I have to say that this is by far the hardest blog I've written.  Why? It's never easy to talk about abuse.  It's never easy to acknowledge and accept that abuse has taken place.  The affects of abuse lives so deep inside you. It's the part of your life that you don't share with anyone. The scars are not visible with the eye.  They can't be heard with the ear.  You can't touch them.  Unless they are shared verbally with someone, they are secret and can be hidden from even those closest to you.

All the years I was married I never viewed what was happening to me as abuse.  I knew it was mean and cruel and it hurt my feelings, but I never considered myself abused.  It wasn't until I separated from my husband after being married almost 38 years and started counseling, that I realized I was being abused.  I know it sounds crazy, but when the idea of abuse was said it to me, I was shocked!  My son also said it to me one day when we were talking after I had filed for divorce and I was shocked again.  I thought, really am I the only one who did not know?  Whether it's physical abuse, psychological abuse or both, the scars are very deep. They are scars that, for myself, even now, I rarely allow them to surface for fear that I will lose control of managing them.

I am only beginning to realize the damage years of emotional abuse have caused me.  I have a great
home and I have wonderful friends.  I have many things to be thankful for.  I am carving out a life that I am excited to be living.  So what's the problem?  What is proving to be difficult is that the heart issues remain.  It's all the "stuff" on the inside.  It's not that I haven' t made progress with them,

because I have, it's just that I am not where I want and need to be.  Sometimes I'm still really sad and I don't really know why.  Sometimes it's the occasional thought that I am still unworthy. Sometimes it feels like I will never recover enough to have a relationship with someone else and I don't want to live the rest of my life alone.  Sometimes it's the disappointment in myself when I think about how far I still have to go, especially when I feel like I've come so far.  Sometimes it's the next step up that mountain that I don't know if I can climb.  Sometimes the climb seems so steep and the mountain seems so high. Sometimes I'm weary and I'm tired and my feet slip and I'm not sure I have the strength to get back up again.  Sometimes I'm not sure that I will succeed.  You see, I am a master at disguising what I'm really feeling.  I've had many years to perfect hiding feelings.  I still find myself doing it and that's what I cannot allow myself to do.  That's easy for me.  The hard part is figuring out how to express them and not suppress them.  As long as all those feelings are kept secret and I fight the battle alone, the scars of abuse have power. Bringing it out in the open and acknowledging it, renders it powerless.   

I want you to understand that this is not a sad story.  This is not about being defeated.  This is about the courage to change my life.  My story needs to be told so that others can find strength.  I think my life has been lived so that I can share my victory with someone who needs to know that they can find victory too. Victory is hard.  Victory takes time and work and the desire to change your story.  Victory is the ability to rewrite how your life will be lived.  I have been given the opportunity to make a difference for myself and hopefully someone else.  I may never know who that someone is, but I know that is my life story's purpose. 

I had to discontinue relationships with some family during my separation/divorce for self preservation.  Recently I felt like I could begin to let one of those relationships renew slowly.  I'm talking about the relationship with my mother-in-law.  It's been very hard for her and I know she has missed me.  I've missed her too.  She has been like a second mother to me for so many years. Last week, I invited her in to see my condo.  She
wanted to come and see it a year ago, but I couldn't let her.  My heart was still too broken.  When I

saw her the other day, all the feelings I usually felt were gone.  That's when I knew the time was right and I could  invite her to come in.  Now that's VICTORY!  Then a few days later we had lunch for the first time in three years.  She told me that she knew I had a horrible (her word, not mine) life and that I should have left years sooner.  My sister asked me later how it made me feel for that to be acknowledged.  I didn't have an answer, I really didn't feel anything for myself.  I felt very bad for my mother-in-law though.  It must be so sad for her to realize that her son is not a very good person.

Inviting her in to see my new home and having lunch with her showed me that some healing has taken place.  It actually caught me off guard.  I wasn't expecting it!  What a great surprise!   I am always happy for victory!  Big or small, they all add up!   

Denial and fear kept me in a unhealthy relationship way too long.  God and courage got me out and it can do the same for you!  I think I have only scratched the surface of the victories that lie ahead for me.  Recognizing and owning everything I've been through is allowing me to experience a life that I never thought possible.  Sharing my story, my struggles, my pain, and my new found joy has given me a precious gift. The gift that there is always, always HOPE.

Tell Your Story!  It's All About Your Victory!

Relationships or What?

Ok, I know until recently I hadn't been on a date since I was 17 years old.  Boy, when I say that my heart palpitates!  I can barely remember being 17!   But, oh!, do I remember that date!  It was so monumental in my small world.  I can still feel the butterflies and anticipation I had.  I can remember being so nervous, so excited. This was my first date with an older guy!  He was 19!  This was with my now x-husband.  I still have the score cards where we played putt putt golf.  We went on a double date with my older sister and her boyfriend. We ate dinner at Red Lobster then went to play putt putt golf.  As a 17 year old girl who didn't think that much of herself, I can tell you it was magical!

So why am I bringing up my first date?  Well fast forward 38 years and OH MY, how things have

changed!  I have to say that I was not prepared for how different things are now.  Before, I think I only knew about two scenarios.   One was a relationship with a guy you really liked and the other, well it was just those girls we called "easy" that slept around.  If there were others I was so naïve that I didn't know about them.  No one talked about commitment or the lack thereof.  If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend you were committed. It's just the way it was.


Today though, apparently, there are other choices.  One of the choices is what is referred to as "friends with benefits."  Ok, I know what a friend is, but then, all of a sudden, they get benefits?  So what benefits do they get?  It seems that sex is the benefit.  The way I understand it is that you have a friend (or really it could be an acquaintance) and you both decide that for whatever reason, you do not want a committed relationship, but you want to be able to .........ok,  I know you get the idea!  I was offered this type of scenario recently, and honestly, I had to think about it for awhile.  The reason I had to think about it was that on the surface, it doesn't sound too bad.  No commitment, no worring about will he call me tomorrow, no stress about how much he likes you, or does he like you?  There's no worry about the next date because, oh yeah, there is no dating involved.  So when you meet up in public, there's no "him" buying you a drink or dinner or all the other things you normally expect in a relationship, because, oh yeah, this is not a relationship.  Everybody pays for themselves.  Everyone takes care of themselves and everyone worries about themselves. This is starting to sound a lot like self gratification to me.  It actually sounds like in the long term, you are still alone.  Only occasionally, with a friend.  What I really started to wonder about is, Who is getting the benefits?

I tried to find out who is credited with the idea of friends with benefits, but I didn't have any luck.
When I Googled it, it showed me all the rules of friends with benefits, but not who's idea it was.  Now if something is supposed to be uncomplicated and easy, why does it need so many rules?  It actually seems much more complicated than a relationship.  In a relationship you only date each other.  That's simple.  The guy pays, always. (Sorry guys, but that's what I think.) That's simple and the way it should be if you're out with a great guy!  Each of you work very hard to win and keep your boyfriend/girlfriend's affection. That's simple enough.  You learn over time to trust, respect, and care about each other.  Wow!  Now what's wrong with that.  So again, I am trying to figure out who gets the benefit when it's friends with benefits?


It didn't take me very long to figure out that for me, friends with benefits would not benefit me.  One thing I have decided recently is that I have not been single long enough to even understand what I want long term.  I do know that eventually, I think I do want long term.  What I do know is that I want a guy that loves me.  I want a guy that respects me.  I want a guy that wants to be with me because I'm worth being with.  I want a guy that will stand up for me and protect me and know that I'm the only girl for him.  That said, I want to feel the same way about him.  Statistics show that friends with benefits are short lived arrangements at best.


To everyone in a friends with benefits deal, if it's ok with you, that's all that matters.  I'm not judging you at all.  It's just not the direction I want to go.  It seems almost as lonely as being alone.  After all, at the end of the day, you still don't have anyone, but you've given up an awful lot of yourself.  I'm just not sure that it can be done without getting hurt in the end.  I don't think it's worth the chance. I don't think it's worth my heart.

I turned down the friends with benefits offer.  It may be a good idea for some, but it's just not for me.  For me, everything has always been black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.  I have never been able to see the shades of gray that are between the lines.  I realize that I am the prize for the right man.  When I'm ready and when the right guy comes along, I have no doubt that I will know it. I have decided that I do want that old fashioned relationship.  I want someone that I can count on.  I want someone who really cares about me.  I want everything that goes with that old fashioned, out of style, love of my life relationship.

Right now though, I'm going to let time heal my wounds.  I'm going to give myself a chance to just be me.  I'm going to wait until I'm ready.  I surprise myself saying that.  I was in such a hurry to begin a new life that I haven't given myself a chance to realize just what and who I am looking for.  Wow!  That sounds like progress. 

You just have to LoVe progress!

  

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