Invisible Scars

Psychological Abuse - includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, etc.

I have to say that this is by far the hardest blog I've written.  Why? It's never easy to talk about abuse.  It's never easy to acknowledge and accept that abuse has taken place.  The affects of abuse lives so deep inside you. It's the part of your life that you don't share with anyone. The scars are not visible with the eye.  They can't be heard with the ear.  You can't touch them.  Unless they are shared verbally with someone, they are secret and can be hidden from even those closest to you.

All the years I was married I never viewed what was happening to me as abuse.  I knew it was mean and cruel and it hurt my feelings, but I never considered myself abused.  It wasn't until I separated from my husband after being married almost 38 years and started counseling, that I realized I was being abused.  I know it sounds crazy, but when the idea of abuse was said it to me, I was shocked!  My son also said it to me one day when we were talking after I had filed for divorce and I was shocked again.  I thought, really am I the only one who did not know?  Whether it's physical abuse, psychological abuse or both, the scars are very deep. They are scars that, for myself, even now, I rarely allow them to surface for fear that I will lose control of managing them.

I am only beginning to realize the damage years of emotional abuse have caused me.  I have a great
home and I have wonderful friends.  I have many things to be thankful for.  I am carving out a life that I am excited to be living.  So what's the problem?  What is proving to be difficult is that the heart issues remain.  It's all the "stuff" on the inside.  It's not that I haven' t made progress with them,

because I have, it's just that I am not where I want and need to be.  Sometimes I'm still really sad and I don't really know why.  Sometimes it's the occasional thought that I am still unworthy. Sometimes it feels like I will never recover enough to have a relationship with someone else and I don't want to live the rest of my life alone.  Sometimes it's the disappointment in myself when I think about how far I still have to go, especially when I feel like I've come so far.  Sometimes it's the next step up that mountain that I don't know if I can climb.  Sometimes the climb seems so steep and the mountain seems so high. Sometimes I'm weary and I'm tired and my feet slip and I'm not sure I have the strength to get back up again.  Sometimes I'm not sure that I will succeed.  You see, I am a master at disguising what I'm really feeling.  I've had many years to perfect hiding feelings.  I still find myself doing it and that's what I cannot allow myself to do.  That's easy for me.  The hard part is figuring out how to express them and not suppress them.  As long as all those feelings are kept secret and I fight the battle alone, the scars of abuse have power. Bringing it out in the open and acknowledging it, renders it powerless.   

I want you to understand that this is not a sad story.  This is not about being defeated.  This is about the courage to change my life.  My story needs to be told so that others can find strength.  I think my life has been lived so that I can share my victory with someone who needs to know that they can find victory too. Victory is hard.  Victory takes time and work and the desire to change your story.  Victory is the ability to rewrite how your life will be lived.  I have been given the opportunity to make a difference for myself and hopefully someone else.  I may never know who that someone is, but I know that is my life story's purpose. 

I had to discontinue relationships with some family during my separation/divorce for self preservation.  Recently I felt like I could begin to let one of those relationships renew slowly.  I'm talking about the relationship with my mother-in-law.  It's been very hard for her and I know she has missed me.  I've missed her too.  She has been like a second mother to me for so many years. Last week, I invited her in to see my condo.  She
wanted to come and see it a year ago, but I couldn't let her.  My heart was still too broken.  When I

saw her the other day, all the feelings I usually felt were gone.  That's when I knew the time was right and I could  invite her to come in.  Now that's VICTORY!  Then a few days later we had lunch for the first time in three years.  She told me that she knew I had a horrible (her word, not mine) life and that I should have left years sooner.  My sister asked me later how it made me feel for that to be acknowledged.  I didn't have an answer, I really didn't feel anything for myself.  I felt very bad for my mother-in-law though.  It must be so sad for her to realize that her son is not a very good person.

Inviting her in to see my new home and having lunch with her showed me that some healing has taken place.  It actually caught me off guard.  I wasn't expecting it!  What a great surprise!   I am always happy for victory!  Big or small, they all add up!   

Denial and fear kept me in a unhealthy relationship way too long.  God and courage got me out and it can do the same for you!  I think I have only scratched the surface of the victories that lie ahead for me.  Recognizing and owning everything I've been through is allowing me to experience a life that I never thought possible.  Sharing my story, my struggles, my pain, and my new found joy has given me a precious gift. The gift that there is always, always HOPE.

Tell Your Story!  It's All About Your Victory!