Relationships or What?

Ok, I know until recently I hadn't been on a date since I was 17 years old.  Boy, when I say that my heart palpitates!  I can barely remember being 17!   But, oh!, do I remember that date!  It was so monumental in my small world.  I can still feel the butterflies and anticipation I had.  I can remember being so nervous, so excited. This was my first date with an older guy!  He was 19!  This was with my now x-husband.  I still have the score cards where we played putt putt golf.  We went on a double date with my older sister and her boyfriend. We ate dinner at Red Lobster then went to play putt putt golf.  As a 17 year old girl who didn't think that much of herself, I can tell you it was magical!

So why am I bringing up my first date?  Well fast forward 38 years and OH MY, how things have

changed!  I have to say that I was not prepared for how different things are now.  Before, I think I only knew about two scenarios.   One was a relationship with a guy you really liked and the other, well it was just those girls we called "easy" that slept around.  If there were others I was so naïve that I didn't know about them.  No one talked about commitment or the lack thereof.  If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend you were committed. It's just the way it was.


Today though, apparently, there are other choices.  One of the choices is what is referred to as "friends with benefits."  Ok, I know what a friend is, but then, all of a sudden, they get benefits?  So what benefits do they get?  It seems that sex is the benefit.  The way I understand it is that you have a friend (or really it could be an acquaintance) and you both decide that for whatever reason, you do not want a committed relationship, but you want to be able to .........ok,  I know you get the idea!  I was offered this type of scenario recently, and honestly, I had to think about it for awhile.  The reason I had to think about it was that on the surface, it doesn't sound too bad.  No commitment, no worring about will he call me tomorrow, no stress about how much he likes you, or does he like you?  There's no worry about the next date because, oh yeah, there is no dating involved.  So when you meet up in public, there's no "him" buying you a drink or dinner or all the other things you normally expect in a relationship, because, oh yeah, this is not a relationship.  Everybody pays for themselves.  Everyone takes care of themselves and everyone worries about themselves. This is starting to sound a lot like self gratification to me.  It actually sounds like in the long term, you are still alone.  Only occasionally, with a friend.  What I really started to wonder about is, Who is getting the benefits?

I tried to find out who is credited with the idea of friends with benefits, but I didn't have any luck.
When I Googled it, it showed me all the rules of friends with benefits, but not who's idea it was.  Now if something is supposed to be uncomplicated and easy, why does it need so many rules?  It actually seems much more complicated than a relationship.  In a relationship you only date each other.  That's simple.  The guy pays, always. (Sorry guys, but that's what I think.) That's simple and the way it should be if you're out with a great guy!  Each of you work very hard to win and keep your boyfriend/girlfriend's affection. That's simple enough.  You learn over time to trust, respect, and care about each other.  Wow!  Now what's wrong with that.  So again, I am trying to figure out who gets the benefit when it's friends with benefits?


It didn't take me very long to figure out that for me, friends with benefits would not benefit me.  One thing I have decided recently is that I have not been single long enough to even understand what I want long term.  I do know that eventually, I think I do want long term.  What I do know is that I want a guy that loves me.  I want a guy that respects me.  I want a guy that wants to be with me because I'm worth being with.  I want a guy that will stand up for me and protect me and know that I'm the only girl for him.  That said, I want to feel the same way about him.  Statistics show that friends with benefits are short lived arrangements at best.


To everyone in a friends with benefits deal, if it's ok with you, that's all that matters.  I'm not judging you at all.  It's just not the direction I want to go.  It seems almost as lonely as being alone.  After all, at the end of the day, you still don't have anyone, but you've given up an awful lot of yourself.  I'm just not sure that it can be done without getting hurt in the end.  I don't think it's worth the chance. I don't think it's worth my heart.

I turned down the friends with benefits offer.  It may be a good idea for some, but it's just not for me.  For me, everything has always been black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.  I have never been able to see the shades of gray that are between the lines.  I realize that I am the prize for the right man.  When I'm ready and when the right guy comes along, I have no doubt that I will know it. I have decided that I do want that old fashioned relationship.  I want someone that I can count on.  I want someone who really cares about me.  I want everything that goes with that old fashioned, out of style, love of my life relationship.

Right now though, I'm going to let time heal my wounds.  I'm going to give myself a chance to just be me.  I'm going to wait until I'm ready.  I surprise myself saying that.  I was in such a hurry to begin a new life that I haven't given myself a chance to realize just what and who I am looking for.  Wow!  That sounds like progress. 

You just have to LoVe progress!

  

.