I am motivated to write this because of all the loved ones I've lost. I can only speak from my personal experience. It's Thanksgiving Eve and the memories come flooding back as I sit her in silence with Lilli. Holidays do that. I mean bring back memories that I hadn't thought about for awhile. It's really tough to lose someone that you love. It's devastation at a level you can't imagine unless you've experienced it. I don't think there are very many people that haven't lost someone. Whether it's physical death or otherwise, it's sometimes an unbearable loss.
In my personal life I have lost to death, a child, all my grandparents, my father, my mother, many aunts and uncles, cousins and countless friends.
To divorce I lost a husband, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, nephew, some extended family members, a few friends, and a life that however difficult and unkind, it was still the only life I ever knew. Every one of these people hold a place in my heart. I loved them all. The husband, I have to be honest and say he has no place in my heart. Thoughts of him are few and far between, mostly far. I thank God for that. There were times past that I thought I'd never recover from divorce. There are scars for sure but I think I'm making great progress.
.Most of the people that have passed away lost their battle with one terrible disease or another. Many of them were lost to cancer. Cancer is a horrible disease. It's horrible for the person who has it for sure and it's horrible for the ones left to watch it take it's toll. It's hard to watch a once vibrant human being who loves life become so frail and waste away. I wish our world was as compassionate with human life as we are with animals. That's just my opinion. I hope someday that we as individuals have the right to decide how long we wish to fight for our life.
It's hard to except the loss of a loved one no matter what the circumstance. Love is love. Your heart experiences a pain that is almost indescribable. You think you won't survive. You think you will never be able to live again. But you do. You don't have any choice. You just keep waking up every morning and breathing even though sometimes you wish you wouldn't. I would love to share a few of my experiences with you.
I remember when I first started working for the public school system. That was in 1983. This was my first job since marriage. We had a teacher that had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She had gone through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. She was wearing a wig when I met her. Later that year she was nominated and won our school's Teacher of the Year nomination. She had to put together a packet of information to submit to the county to be considered for Duval County Teacher of the Year. It had to be typed and a cover made and I was more than happy to do that for her, even though I didn't know her very well. I got it all together for her and made sure it was submitted to the county on time. She was fighting a very hard battle for her life. In the midst of that battle, she sent me a vase with a single red rose and a thank you note for all the work I had done for her. That was almost 30 years ago and it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about her. All I could think of was that this brave woman was fighting for her life yet she thought about me and wanted to thank me for helping her. I was overwhelmed. I am still overwhelmed. What compassion she had. She lost her battle with breast cancer later that year. I love you Jane Borders. What an impact you made on my life.My sweet baby died after a terrible car accident I was in in 1976. It took me more than 20 years to be able to talk about it without falling apart. Thank you God for giving me relief from that unending pain. I haven't been to the cemetery in more than 25 years to see his grave. It always threw me in to
My father died in 1998 of lung cancer. I miss my dad. He was kind and compassionate. I'm not sure I realized that until after he died. My mother died in 2012 during my divorce. That was really tough. She had breast cancer 8 years earlier and was a breast cancer survivor. She loved life and she loved holidays. She was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer two weeks after I realized my marriage was over. She only lived 4 months. Four horrible months for her. She was in extreme pain. She suffered an awful lot. Suffering is so hard to watch someone do. I never told her I was getting a divorce. She was fighting for her life and I couldn't be the reason that she didn't make it. That was hard. Once I was going to tell her, but I couldn't get the words out. I opened my mouth and I couldn't make a sound. I think that was God telling me not too. I really needed her, but she needed her strength. I would have loved to have her by my side. She was a fighter too. I think that's where I get it from! She was the strongest woman I have ever known. She survived 3 girls and a husband in the Navy for 28 years. She always thought that she didn't have to worry about me. She thought I'd always be taken care of. She had no idea what my life was really like. I never told her anything, not ever. I don't regret that. I think it was the way it was supposed to be. I really miss her though. I think she would be proud of me after seeing how far I've come and how much I've overcome.
I think the thing about someone leaving you whether it's by death or divorce, or other reasons, is that you never really get to say everything you'd like to. There are always things you think of later. There are feelings that you don't get to express. Your heart hurts. It hurts for a really long time. The one thing I can tell you is that if it had not been for my relationship with God, I'm not sure I would have survived all of this sadness. Time eases pain. It's not that it goes away, it's difficult to explain, but you just seem to learn to let go and go on. For me, God makes life bearable. God makes life possible to carry on. I'm not sure I will ever come to a place of love again. I really hope that I do. It's hard to give your heart away when it's been broken into so many pieces. It's hard to trust again. It's hard to let go and believe that good will happen to you.There is always pain for the loved ones left behind, but for those who have gone before us in death, it is a relief of pain and suffering beyond my understanding. They get to enjoy what I can only imagine. They get peace. They get healing. The Bible says they get a new body! WOW, would I love a new body!. For all of us left behind, we have the difficulty of trying to understand their passing. We try to continue on in the world. We try to understand what's happened. We search for answers. Sometimes there are no answers.
As for those lost to divorce, I hope for everyone involved that forgiveness comes. Whether it's forgiveness for others or forgiveness for ourselves we all need to know forgiveness. Forgiveness is key to survival and the ability to move on. It's strange because as more time passes it's like it all happened so long ago. It doesn't have the impact that it once did. I guess that's healing. I guess that's what God has given me. Healing when I didn't think healing was possible. It's the chance to start over and the chance to see if love is out there for me. I hope I recognize it when I find it. I'm afraid I might not know what it looks like! I'm not going to give up. I want love, real love, to find me and touch me!
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