Heart Aches!

I was thinking about relationships.  More to the point, the relationships I've had since my divorce. What I'm trying to figure out is why do I always turn around and run as soon as I think a relationship is forming?

Do you remember the movie "Run Away Bride, with Julia Roberts?  In the movie, she always wants to marry these men, but she won't let herself get to the altar. When it comes down to tying the knot, she runs!   I mean she bolts!   I started thinking about my relationships post divorce and I feel like I'm the run away from relationships gal!


I am sitting here trying to understand why I "bolt" when a relationship starts getting too close to my heart!  I mean I so get out of there.  I run and I run fast!  The poor other person provably can't figure out what the heck has happened!  That said, I don't think any of those guys were the right guy for me.  But I think that my reaction to someone caring about me and wanting more deserves a closer look.

So, here's what I think. I've been talking to God a lot. You see, I know there's a problem.  I don't know how to fix the problem.  My problem as I see it is that I am sooo afraid that my heart will get devastated like it did, that there is a piece of my heart that I refuse to set free. I understand that as long as I refuse to set it free to accept love, I will not know love.  That said, I want to know love.

I honestly think that I have given love in the past (that's marriage past), but I never received love.  I am afraid that if I can't figure this out, I will miss the love of my life.  I don't want to take my last breath on this side, and not know the absolute love of a man that cannot see his life without me! I want to live the rest of my life with no regrets!

Wow!  This really, really blows  my mind!  So my question is, how do I set my heart free?  How do I allow my heart to be put out there to someone I don't know an awful lot about?  How do I make myself so vulnerable?  How do I trust again?  How do I chance that my heart will not be broken?  Maybe it will be broken.  Maybe it won't be.  Maybe he is the love of my life. What if he isn't?  But, what if he is?  What if I miss the love of my life because I am so afraid to let him in?

This is where faith comes in.  I think this is where my real faith comes in.  Am I ready to have so much faith that I allow God to have control of my heart?  Am I ready to give up the very last thing that I think I have control over?  Maybe this is the test that God has given me because He knows this is the hardest thing on earth for me to give up!  Faith moves mountains.  This is by far my biggest mountain!  I am afraid, but I think I'm ready to see what happens.  This is, after all, My HaPpiNeSs Year!



Bring On My HaPpiNeSs!

 

 

Heart?  What Do I Do?