The Kiss of God

I always thought that I was put on this earth to be a wife and a mother.  I thought I was here to love my husband and my children without ceasing, no matter what.  I gave them the best of myself.  I gave them everything I had to offer.  I cherished our life together no matter how hard it was, because that's what I thought my purpose was.  When that world came crashing down, I thought I lost my purpose.  I was so confused.  I thought, "God, if that wasn't what I was here for, then what?"  I mean, I spent almost 38 years doing, to the best of my ability, what I thought God wanted me to do.  My divorce has been final over one year but with the separation and the amount of time it took to get the divorce final it's been over 2 years.  I still find myself asking, "What is my purpose?  Why am I here?"

I have come to understand that life is tough, but God takes us to tough places to develop our courage

our faith, and our trust, to know that in such devastation, He is here.  He is God.  That's exactly what He did.  I couldn't see it while I was going through it.  I used to say, "God where are you?  I can't hear you.  I can't feel you.  I need you.  I don't understand this.  If you love me, WHY?  WHY THIS?"

Now, today,  I can look back, and I can see so many times when I didn't think God was there, I was actually getting a kiss from God.  I love getting kisses from God.  Kisses are when God shows me just how much He loves me. That's what I love about God.  He's not always in your face.  Sometimes you have to search for Him to find Him!  Sometimes it's in the small things that God is showing Himself the biggest!  Often times I missed Him, I thought He left me all alone, but thinking back now, I can see all that I have to be thankful for and just how much me, little me, means to God.

I mean, how blessed am I that God took me out of a terrible marriage and gave me a second chance to find real love and real happiness?  A Kiss from God!  I have a beautiful place to live, everything I need, and many of the things I want.  A Kiss from God!  I have re-connected with dear friends that I had not been in touch with for so long.  I didn't realize how much I missed them!  A Kiss from God.  I have met new friends and such wonderful people that I would have never met in my old life.  A Kiss from God!  I have for the first time in my life gotten to think about what makes Cyndi happy.  I'm still not sure about what I like.  A Kiss from God!  I get to share my story and hopefully inspire, but at the least let you know that whatever your struggles are, you do not have to face them alone.  A Kiss from God!  Finding the courage to go forward when I could not see the path ahead and I was afraid.  A Kiss from God!  Realizing that I am never, ever alone.  A Kiss from God!

There are so many other examples that I could give you, but I think you get the idea.  Even though it's been raining all day, and we all know I'm solar powered, I am so smiling on the inside and outside!  I am so loving my life!  I am really happy!  Wow!  I wasn't sure I would ever be able to say that!  Maybe just being able to figure that out, is my purpose!  Life is good!  God is good!  I just needed to tell you guys that!

Oh YeaH, KisSeS FrOm GOD!

SeRiOuSly! Stop Overthinking This!

Anyone who know me knows that I overthink Everything!  I mean everything!

I overthink should I do this or should I do that?  Why didn't I do this, or why didn't I do that?  Why did that happen, or why didn't it happen?  It's ridiculous!  Really ridiculous and I can freak myself out in a matter of seconds!  I overthink the smallest, most insignificant things that most people probably don't give a second thought to. 

Why do I do this?  I wish I knew!  I have all day to think about

things, but apparently I would rather do that when it's time for me to sleep!  The minute I lay my head down on the pillow, my brain starts thinking and it literally thinks for hours, at high speed!   Even when I eventually fall asleep it must continue to think without my physical body participating because I can wake up during the night and catch my brain in mid-thought!  Seriously, how does that even happen? 

I've over thought my life for as long as I can remember.  The truth is, it's a jOykiLLeR!  Since I've declared 2014 my haPpiNeSs yEaR, I have to find a way to silence the overthinking and just let everything be what it will be!  After all, there is no hApPinEsS without jOy and I do not have joy when I'm overthinking!

When I think about it, I would have to say that fear of the unknown must enter into the equation somewhere. I have lived a lifetime in fear of many things, but today, right now, I'm going to declare war on fear.  Without fear, there won't be any overthinking, because it's all good!  Right?  I mean however it works out is the way it should work out.  What I do when I overthink something is possibly change the outcome.  What if I've changed the outcome from a good thing to a bad thing?  Oh!  That's good!  I think I just gave myself some great insight!  See how much help you all are when you let me think out loud?!

I've come to understand, over the years, that overthinking is one of my OCD

things.  If you're OCD, you know that we all have our OCD's.  Not everyone is OCD about the same things and everyone has a different level of perfection acceptable to themselves. When I'm OCDing, my heart beats fast and my ears start ringing and I can't hear well.  I start having stomach cramps, my head hurts, I can't think straight, and well ..........................!  If you're OCD, well, you know the rest!

One of the things I always overthink is relationships.  That encompasses family, friends, coworkers, and now that I'm single again, dating.  I recently started dating someone and when I told my BFF, Sharon about my new friend, she said, "Cyndi, don't overthink it!"  I told her that I'm not going to do that.  She just laughed!  When I told my daughter by text because she was out of town, she texted me back and said, "Mom, please just enjoy yourself and don't overthink it!" Ok, they really do know me well!  I'm not sure I like that they have me figured out!


So far I thought I had done a fair job of not overthinking it. Now, I'm not so sure.  One of the things I finally figured out is that if something happens to stress me out, it doesn't matter what it is.  It can be something not even related to the friendship/relationship, then I start overthinking everything in my life.

 I really have to stop doing that.  I sabotage myself!  I try to ruin a good
thing by questioning everything.  Why?  That's what I need to figure out. I think partly it's because I don't think good things will happen for me.  I always think good things are for all the other people, not me.  Why can't I just go with the flow?  Why do I have such a hard time excepting happy?  Why do I question good things coming into my life?  So, excepting happy and expecting good things in my life is exactly what I'm going to be thinking from now on!  That has
to be one of the keys to stop all this overthinking.

So now, right in this moment, I am taking a deeeeep breath.  I'm going to work very, very hard to give myself, and everyone around me, a BrEaK!  I am going to repeat again and again, "I WILL NOT OVERTHINK THIS!"  I will not overthink this!  It's all good!  It Really Is!  I am so very blessed!  I know that!  I am blessed to have great friends and family that know how to handle "my kind of crazy"!  I am so thankful for 2nd chances and I hope I never have to ask for a 3rd chance!  I hope I can get it right!  I do deserve it!  We all do!

I Will Not OVeR THinK This! 

It's All ReALLy ReaLLy GOoD!

Heart Aches!

I was thinking about relationships.  More to the point, the relationships I've had since my divorce. What I'm trying to figure out is why do I always turn around and run as soon as I think a relationship is forming?

Do you remember the movie "Run Away Bride, with Julia Roberts?  In the movie, she always wants to marry these men, but she won't let herself get to the altar. When it comes down to tying the knot, she runs!   I mean she bolts!   I started thinking about my relationships post divorce and I feel like I'm the run away from relationships gal!


I am sitting here trying to understand why I "bolt" when a relationship starts getting too close to my heart!  I mean I so get out of there.  I run and I run fast!  The poor other person provably can't figure out what the heck has happened!  That said, I don't think any of those guys were the right guy for me.  But I think that my reaction to someone caring about me and wanting more deserves a closer look.

So, here's what I think. I've been talking to God a lot. You see, I know there's a problem.  I don't know how to fix the problem.  My problem as I see it is that I am sooo afraid that my heart will get devastated like it did, that there is a piece of my heart that I refuse to set free. I understand that as long as I refuse to set it free to accept love, I will not know love.  That said, I want to know love.

I honestly think that I have given love in the past (that's marriage past), but I never received love.  I am afraid that if I can't figure this out, I will miss the love of my life.  I don't want to take my last breath on this side, and not know the absolute love of a man that cannot see his life without me! I want to live the rest of my life with no regrets!

Wow!  This really, really blows  my mind!  So my question is, how do I set my heart free?  How do I allow my heart to be put out there to someone I don't know an awful lot about?  How do I make myself so vulnerable?  How do I trust again?  How do I chance that my heart will not be broken?  Maybe it will be broken.  Maybe it won't be.  Maybe he is the love of my life. What if he isn't?  But, what if he is?  What if I miss the love of my life because I am so afraid to let him in?

This is where faith comes in.  I think this is where my real faith comes in.  Am I ready to have so much faith that I allow God to have control of my heart?  Am I ready to give up the very last thing that I think I have control over?  Maybe this is the test that God has given me because He knows this is the hardest thing on earth for me to give up!  Faith moves mountains.  This is by far my biggest mountain!  I am afraid, but I think I'm ready to see what happens.  This is, after all, My HaPpiNeSs Year!



Bring On My HaPpiNeSs!

 

 

Heart?  What Do I Do?