At the time I was reading a book, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, by Susan Piver. I read a lot of books then, trying to find answers to so many qUeStIoNs. At the time I was answering some of the questions from the book. I came across this: What is the question I would most like an answer to? My aNsWeR was, Will I be ok?
Wow! There was so much dEsPiRaTiOn in my ink. The writing was hurried and messy. I was so sad then. I was so afraid and so lonely. I was trying to put all the pieces tOgEtHeR. I was looking for answers that I so desperately needed! I needed to understand why my marriage went so terribly wrong and why I didn't see it coming. Of all the things I had to wOrRy about at that moment in time, what I really needed to know was, Will I be ok?
SiTuAtIoNs in my daily life can tip the scales one way or the other. Most off the time I choose to be ok. Most of the time I don't let old feelings have that much power over me, but it is a constant bAtTle. However, there are days that I don't feel ok. There are days when I'm tired and I'm fRuStRaTed and I'm lonely and I don't have anyone to talk to. Those are the days I don't feel ok. There are days when my heart is broken and I don't want to fight for what's good and what's right. There are days when I just want to gIvE uP. I don't know what the big picture is. There are days when I can't see the smallest picture. What do I do on those days? What do I do when I can't see anything that's good in front of me? What do I do when I'm not sure I'll be ok? What do I do when I sit with my eyes filled with tears and it feels like progress is moving too slow and I don't have any direction? Well, usually I pRaY. It always seems to work! God makes sEnSe of the senseless. I wish I knew the answers but, truth is God doesn't want me to know all of them. He wants me to have fAiTh and tRuSt Him that He has AwEsOmE plans for my life!
I don't like that 2 years after the start of my life re-evaluation, (lol! How does that sound? Positive, right?) I'm still asking myself, will I be ok. I have dEcIdEd that I have 40 years of eMoTiOnAl trauma and bad mEmOrIeS and I can't expect to be able to deal with them all and move on in 2 years. I think I just need to be pAtIeNt, but patience is not one of my strong points!
I'm tIrEd. I'm tired of wOrRyInG about it. I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I'm tired of trying to do the right things or trying to do what I think the right thing is. I can't figure it out. I don't have the aNsWeRs. BUT I do know the one who does. I tHiNk what I'm going to do is lay all this in God's lap. I think I'm just going to tell God that I don't know what to do and I'm tIrEd and I know He does. He won't mind because that's what He wants me to do. It will be ok because I can trust God. He will make it all ok and make it all make sense.
I started writing this blog entry on top of the mountain (positive) but ended up fInIsHiNg it in a valley (not happy). It's a constant changing of eMoTiOns that makes it difficult sometimes to get my tHoUgHtS across, but I promised myself that I would be open and honest on this blog because I don't believe for one minute that I'm the only one on a jOuRnEy of such emotions. What I want you to see is that no matter how my emotions change, God is the one that I turn to, to pRoViDe me with sTaBiLiTy and hope. I always have hOpE! It's the one thing that I am sURe of! This is a process and sometimes I don't like the process, but I know that in the end there will be an abundance of everything good!
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