2013

I have been trying to go to sleep for many hours and realize that I cannot do that until I say what I need to say.  It is almost the end of 2013.  For me, 2013 was a very important year.  It was the first year of my independence!  It was the first year that I can say I was free.  I was free to become the person I want to be. I had such high expectations for 2013.  I am very much disappointed.  I am burdened and saddened by the results, or lack of results 2013 held for me.

I have spent all of 2013 trying to figure out just who I am.  Seeing that 2014 is almost here, I have to say that 2013 was a miserable failure in that regard.  I have tried so hard to find myself.  In 365 days, I still am not any closer to finding out who I am and what I want my life to be.  I have made so many mistakes.  Mistakes that I really regret.  I have apologies to make.  I would like to erase the mistakes of 2013 if I could.  There are friendships that I loved and cherished, but I have lost.  There are so many things that I just don't know how to fix myself, but I hope God will show me the way.  There are mistakes that I have made that I can't take back.  There are people that I have hurt in my quest to find out who I am.  I understand that all these mistakes were lessons, but that still doesn't make it any easier.

What I have learned is that I am complex.  My life is complex. My past is complex.   My world is complex.  My pain and my healing are complex.  There is no simple, easy answer.  Just when I think I have a handle on my new life, I realize that I am no closer to finding answers than I was 12 months ago.  I so want to figure it all out.  I so want to go to bed at night, happy to be me.

I am too gullible.  I am too easily distracted.  I easily fall for the wrong person hoping that the answer to my life's questions lie in this person.  I easily give up my list of expectations in lieu someone else's approval.  I want love so badly that I accept whoever comes my way and do not question anything until I realize that I am in way over my head.  That is not an excuse.  I just realize that this is what I've been doing for 365 days.  For that, I am very sorry.  I was

determined to figure it out so fast.  Now I realize that this is going to take some time.

In 2014, I am determined not to repeat the mistakes of 2013.  I am stubborn and hard headed, this I know, but at the end of the coming year, I will have made progress. I refuse to accept defeat.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse to turn my back on the joy and fulfilling life I know God has planned for me.

Thank you to all of my family and friends who have granted me grace and mercy while I have tried to figure this out.  I promise that I am going to be diligent in my quest this year.  God loves me way too much for me to give up.  2014 will be a success!  It has to be!

2014 Is My Year!