The Big "D"..........Thats Right.......DiVoRcE!

DiVoRcE!  Just saying the word brings uneasiness.   Believe it or not, it still carries such a stigma with it.  People have said to me many times, "Oh, you're divorced?" Like it's an incurable disease. I started responding, "Yes I'm am.  I'm HaPpIlY dIvOrCeD!" Which I am.

 Even if your marriage was bad, like mine, and it was good to end it, it is still a devastating process.  You see, I was committed.  I was in it, til death do us part, no matter what.  I was never going to surrender to defeat, nEvEr!  This comes from a military background, I guess.  My dad served 28 years in the navy, and instilled a "soldier" attitude in me.  Soldiering on was the only thing I knew.  Giving up was never an option for me.  But you know in your mind you have a proverbial line that you cannot let the other person cross.  It's the one thing that you just can't forgive.  It's the one thing that will make you walk away.  That line was crossed, so dIvOrCe was the outcome.

So I'm 57 years old now and I was married almost 38 years. It still sounds unbelievable to me when I hear myself say that I'm dIVoRcEd after being married that long!  It must sound unbelievable to others as well, if the reaction on their faces are any indication when they ask how long I was married.  I was married most of the time I've inhabited the earth!!!!  Wow! Then they usually asked me what happened after that long to get a divorce. That's always a hard question to answer.

I never thought I'd be divorced.  If anyone would have told me at my age I would be dIvOrCeD, I would have told them they were crazy!  I had worked so hard to create the perfect family. The PeRfEcT life, well at least to the outside world anyway.  Now I realize, that was part of the problem, I created it.  We ( my ex-husband & I) did not.  My fantasy, not my reality for sure!

DiVoRcE is hard. It's hard on everyone.  It affects every relationship you ever had. One of the saddest

things is, none of those affected have a choice or get a say in anything!  They are just dragged threw the process, probably kicking and screaming and there's nothing they can do about it.   My children where grown, married, with families of there own, but it was and is still very tough for them.  I remember one of my grandsons, he was six at rhe time, asked me why I was getting a divorce.  I told him I didn't know for sure.  He looks at me so innocent and says, "It's probably cause Grampy didn't love you anymore!"  Out of the mouths of babes!  He didn't know just how right he was!


It feels like I lost so many of the relationships I had before.  It's like I'm not a part of the "married" world, anymore, so I don't have a place there.  It's no one's fault.  It's just the dIvOrCe aftermath.  And no one seems to know what to talk to me about.  I'm rarely asked questions about my NeW LiFe!  I don't think it's that they aren't interested or they don't want to know.  I don't think they know what to ask or how to react to the answer so they just steer clear. It's like I'm living in two different worlds, Family World and Single World.  One day though I'm going to figure out how to bring them together.  They sould know each other.  At least a little!  Let's face it, they know me as a wife, mother, and grandmother.  They have never known me as a SiNgLe person. Of course, I don't know me as a sInGle person either!   Sometime I sCaRe MySeLF!!  I'm sure they just don't know what to do, but then, neither do I!  We are all sTuMbLiNg through it together!

DiVoRcE changes the dynamics of the family.  The family unit no longer exists, so holidays, dinners, birthdays, just about any get together has now been forever changed.  There is always tension. There is always stress involved.  And it's always awkward.  Or at least it's awkward for me.  The conversations with everyone seems different, like they are just small talk.  Not at all like they used to be.  It's almost like the joy has been sucked out of the event. WOW!  Ok, that was just a lightbulb moment!  As I'm typing it, I realize it's not the joy in everyone's ability to enjoy the event, it's the joy in mine!  Oh, I'm going to have to find a way get that jOy back!  And if by chance my ex is there, then it's a whole other set of emotions for me.  The process has been interesting though.  At first, I thought I was going to be physically sick when I'd see him and the anger and hate (Yes, I used the "H" word) were almost unbearable.  Now though that's changing.  I saw him the other day at my daughters house and I didn't have any of those feelings.  I was surprised at my reaction at first, but then I realized that God was doing just what I had asked Him to do. We (God & I) have been working very hard at letting go of the hurt, pain and hate, and to be able to forgive. I looked at him and thought, wow, I used to be married to him.  He was almost someone I barely new and I didn't really feel anything.  In my mind it seemed like it all took place a long time ago.  That's progress!  I haven't been able to talk to him though.  I hope that will come someday.  That will mean that I've completed the proces! YeA mE!  I am very proud of my myself!  I've come so far!.  Like I said, it's all about forgiveness!
 

 This is how I view my DiVoRcE.  It is a death in my family.  My very long term marriage died.  It's gone forever.  The life and comfort and stability I knew shattered.  There are so many emotions tied to a death of any kind and only FoRgIvEnEsS, time, an awful lot of PrAyEr, support and understanding will heal it.  Of course most all the work to recover belongs to me.  Forgiveness and prayer are key.  Support and understanding you definitely need from family and friends, because I've made quite a few mistakes trying to navigate through this.  I'm sure I'll make more!  I am trying to lighten the jOuRnEy though with laughter!  I seriously have to laugh at myself!

It's CrAzY oUt HeRe!