I had a blog I worked on the other night, but I feel I'm being pulled in a new direction. I want to talk about cOmFoRt ZoNeS! Mine in particular. I don't call it my comfort zone, though I'm very comfortable there, I'm just not happy there! I always say I need to step outside my box I've insisted that I must live in almost all of my life. My life has always had many, many rules. Some were rules that spilled over from my childhood. Some were rules I made myself follow, and many were from my marriage. I paid a high price for letting my box have so much power over me. I lost myself. My bOx kept me from becoming who I could have been. I won't ever get to know that person. I think she would have been aWeSoMe! But I do have the chance to be the person I want to be now. I want to be cArEfReE. I want to be sPoNtAnEoUs! I want to have fUn! I want to live fReE! I've never done that, just live. The thought of that is so foreign to me. I never thought about myself. What do I like? What do I want to Do? What will make me happy? I don't know the answer to any of those questions, and I don't know how to get out of my box!
Now that I can see how destructive my box was and is to me, I'm going to work very hard to dEsTrOy my box! That sounds easy enough, but believe me it won't be. Tucked neatly inside my bOx is fear. It's very subtle, just lying there, but if I try to cHaLlEnGe it, it wastes no time stopping me in my tracks. The fear of bReAKiNg a rule is cRIpPlInG. It controls me. It kept me in a 37 year unhealthy marriage. The fear of, What if? If I thought about going against
any of the rules, What if would remind me of all the things that might happen. What if, kept me neatly iMpRiSoNeD inside my box. I might not be happy, or fulfilled or being treated right, but What if made sure I knew it wasn't about me. I gave up myself for my box. Wow!
Some of these rules are absolutely aBsUrD to me now as I'm thinking of them. But for almost all of my life they've seemed not only very iMpOrTaNt, but were necessary for my world to function properly. I thought that if I just fOlLoWeD all the rules everything would be ok. Of course it was never ok, but I never gave up trying to make it all ok.
Everything I do in my life has an order and a RuLe that must be fOlLoWeD. If not? Well in my head, it would be doom and dEvAsTaTiOn, for sure. I've decided I don't want to live my life that way aNYmOrE. I want to be free of my box. I want to be fEaRLeSs! I need to find ways to free myself of the fear and the guilt that if I don't follow all those rules sOmEtHiNg bad will happen. I don't know how to be a free spirit! I want to be cArEfReE and uNiNhIbItEd . I don't want to think, What if? anymore.
Maybe this is what my journey's all about. Maybe this is what God wants me to learn. To be fReE and fEaRlEsS. To give up cOnTrOl and give it all to Him. I like the sound of that! So today, I'm not going to make my bed! Today, instead of tHiNkInG if I don't make my bed I'll die and people will think I'm messy, I'm going to bElIeVe it doesn't matter if the bed's made. It has no part in the fUtUrE of how my day will go. And tomorrow, maybe I'll go to a restaurant and sit at a table all by mYseLF and eat and it will all be ok!
If aNyOnE has any ideas for me that would help me learn to be fReE and fEaRlEsS, please let me know! I'd love all of you to be a part of my jOuRnEy! As I try different things, I'll let you know how it went. As the song goes,
"I'll get by with a little help from my fRiEnDs. I'm gonna try with a
little help from my fRiEnDs!"
ThIs iS wHeRe I wANt To LiVe ThE rEsT oF mY LiFe!
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