2013

I have been trying to go to sleep for many hours and realize that I cannot do that until I say what I need to say.  It is almost the end of 2013.  For me, 2013 was a very important year.  It was the first year of my independence!  It was the first year that I can say I was free.  I was free to become the person I want to be. I had such high expectations for 2013.  I am very much disappointed.  I am burdened and saddened by the results, or lack of results 2013 held for me.

I have spent all of 2013 trying to figure out just who I am.  Seeing that 2014 is almost here, I have to say that 2013 was a miserable failure in that regard.  I have tried so hard to find myself.  In 365 days, I still am not any closer to finding out who I am and what I want my life to be.  I have made so many mistakes.  Mistakes that I really regret.  I have apologies to make.  I would like to erase the mistakes of 2013 if I could.  There are friendships that I loved and cherished, but I have lost.  There are so many things that I just don't know how to fix myself, but I hope God will show me the way.  There are mistakes that I have made that I can't take back.  There are people that I have hurt in my quest to find out who I am.  I understand that all these mistakes were lessons, but that still doesn't make it any easier.

What I have learned is that I am complex.  My life is complex. My past is complex.   My world is complex.  My pain and my healing are complex.  There is no simple, easy answer.  Just when I think I have a handle on my new life, I realize that I am no closer to finding answers than I was 12 months ago.  I so want to figure it all out.  I so want to go to bed at night, happy to be me.

I am too gullible.  I am too easily distracted.  I easily fall for the wrong person hoping that the answer to my life's questions lie in this person.  I easily give up my list of expectations in lieu someone else's approval.  I want love so badly that I accept whoever comes my way and do not question anything until I realize that I am in way over my head.  That is not an excuse.  I just realize that this is what I've been doing for 365 days.  For that, I am very sorry.  I was

determined to figure it out so fast.  Now I realize that this is going to take some time.

In 2014, I am determined not to repeat the mistakes of 2013.  I am stubborn and hard headed, this I know, but at the end of the coming year, I will have made progress. I refuse to accept defeat.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse to turn my back on the joy and fulfilling life I know God has planned for me.

Thank you to all of my family and friends who have granted me grace and mercy while I have tried to figure this out.  I promise that I am going to be diligent in my quest this year.  God loves me way too much for me to give up.  2014 will be a success!  It has to be!

2014 Is My Year!

BLeSsinNgS!

Today I woke up feeling so blessed!  I'm not really sure why the feeling is so strong today.  I decided God must have something for me to learn and share, so here goes!

The sun is so bright today and I'm solar powered so I am feeling energized today!  More than that though, I am feeling overwhelmingly loved!  It is so strong that I feel like my body cannot hold it all.  I love that feeling!  It's like I'm bursting at the seams! 

I am so blessed to have two wonderful children.  They have amazing lives.  They have amazing spouses and dare I say, I have 5 of the most beautiful and absolutely amazing grandchildren!  I am overwhelmed with joy that I have the honor of being their mother and their Nana.  Words cannot express how much love I have for all of them.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful guy in my life!  Not long ago I didn't think that was possible.  I know God orchestrated it all, of course!  The fact that God loves me that much takes my breath away.  Every day I am amazed that this is my new life!  Wow!  Me!  Really!  Me!  This is where my journey is leading me!  I get to know that I am loved!  Wow!  I am overwhelmed!  I never thought I was worth love.  While that thought saddens me for a moment, I understand that I had to be there to get here!  And I love it here!

I guess what I want you to know is that my journey has been long and it has been tough.  Maybe you feel the same way.  Maybe you can't understand why things happen, I know I couldn't either. Maybe you have grown weary.  I know there were times I have been so weary and wanted to give up.  Because I have been there, I can tell you to be strong and persevere!  It is so worth it.  To finally be where you are supposed to be and to realize how blessed you are!  I know the lessons I had to learn were hard and I repeated so many of them over and over again.  Looking back though, I can see it was all leading me here, feeling so blessed.


 It took me a very long time to be willing to put down my life and my circumstances and give them to God.  I realize now that God has been trying to get me to let Him have His will and His way in my life for a very long time.  I thought I could do a better job than God!   Really, Cyndi?

I know now the biggest blessing I have is that I finally get it!  I am very happy and relieved to let God do what He wants with me!  I trust God completely and that is an awesome feeling!  Today I got to realize just how blessed I am!  WoW!  I pray the same for you!  You are Awesome!

I Am Blessed!

Am I A Superhero or What?

I never thought of myself as a superhero! But maybe I am!  Let's see!  I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I can't bend steal with my bare hands. I can't run faster than a locomotive.  I definitely don't change into my superhero clothes in a phone booth.

But here's what I can do.  I can stay up all night with a sick child and then go to work with no sleep for days on end.  I can vacuum, do 5 loads of laundry, mow the lawn, clean the bathrooms, run the kids to activities, prepare a great dinner, and clean up the kitchen with no help, all in the same day! I can smell a sale a mile away   I can shop till I drop, go home to rest,  get a call to go back out shopping, and go shopping again!  Now that's stamina!  I can organize the un-organizable!  I can inspire when I don't feel inspirational.  I can laugh when crying is what I want to do.  I can be a great mother even when I don't think I know how.  I can love the at times, seemingly unlovable.  I will stand up for what I believe is right.  I can be strong when I'm at my weakest.  I will put my big girl panties on and stand firm for what I believe in when I'm too tired to stand.  I will walk or run even though I feel like I can barely crawl.

What I've just described is what many of us do every day.  I do think I'm a superhero and I think you are too.  We are women.  We are the glue that holds our families together when everything around us is falling apart.  And that doesn't mean just those of us who are or were married.  That's most women.  We hold businesses together and are amazingly productive.  We multi-task multi-tasking!  When everything in our world is crumbling, we find the strength to carry on.

My superhero's name is Cyndi Claire!  She is my alter ego!  After all isn't that what a superhero is?  It's what you wish you were capable of being or doing.  She is awesome.  She is strong!  She is invincible!  She will persevere!  She is not afraid of anything!  She is everything Cyndi is not.  When I need her, I put on my superhero cape (Seriously, it's only an imaginary cape.  What fashion conscience woman would wear a real cape?) and I become Cyndi Claire!  My hero!

I found out I was a superhero when my daughter and I had our business together several years ago.  We got our mail one day and an envelope came addressed to Cyndi Claire.  That's when my daughter, Heather said that must be my alter ego.  Heather always tells me to bring Cyndi Claire out when Cyndi can't do something.  I love Cyndi Claire!  When I'm in a situation that I'm uncomfortable with or trying to do something I'm afraid to do, I whisper to myself, " Ok Cyndi Claire, I need you.  You can do this!" Believe it or not, it gives me the courage I need!

What does Cyndi Claire look like?  I'm not sure but since I'm only 5"1',  you can bet she's much taller than that!  And she's in great shape and she has long legs!  She's probably a blonde, or maybe a redhead.  I've always wanted to be a blonde, or a redhead! Stop laughing!  She's my superhero!  You can let your superhero look any way you want to!

So to answer the question, "Do I think I'm a superhero?"  I absolutely do!  And so are you!  So to all my superhero friends out there fighting all the battles set in front of you today, fight on!  And if you need a little help, just let me know.  Cyndi Claire is always ready for battle and just a whisper away!

Cyndi Claire to the Rescue!

My Bucket List!

In an earlier blog I talked about wanting to create my Bucket List!  So what do I think a bucket list is?  I think it's all the things I've never gotten to do or even all the things I want to feel, before I die!  Maybe I didn't get to do them because I didn't have enough money or maybe because I'm too afraid!  Maybe I didn't get to do them because I didn't have the support or encouragement to do them!  Maybe I didn't think what I wanted was important enough. 

There are also many feelings I'd like to experience.  Some of them I thought I had felt at different times in my life.  Now I realize that was not the case.  For that reason, I also included them.  For me, they are as important as what I've never done.  Fear has been instilled in me for a long, long time, but I think it's

time for me to stand up and say "Mountain, get out of my way!" You see, everything you are afraid of is a mountain!  God says that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say, "Mountain get out of my way and the mountain will move!"  Wow!  Just think about that!  It's so powerful!  I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS!  Me!  And so can you!  I don't know about you but I have an awful lot of mountains to move!  I'm ready for them to, "Get out of my way!" So here we go!

 I would love to leave this world with a smile on my face knowing I accomplished them all.  Maybe it's my chance to leave my small footprint on my world!  I'd like that!  I'd like to leave this world feeling accomplished!  I don't want to take my last breath uttering the words, "I Wish I Had Done ......!" 

Below is my partial Bucket List. I say partial because this is not all I want to do!  It's just all I can think of right now.  I'm going to keep adding to it as I think of new things.  I hope all of you have a bucket list. If you don't, NOW is the perfect time to start one!

MY BUCKET LIST!

(These are in no particular order)

Fly in an airplane.

Go to Montana.

See the Grand Canyon.

Travel Route 66.

Ride a horse.

Make snow angels!

Go on a cruise and have a blast!

Walk hand in hand on the beach with my guy!

Shop in Times Square.

Go somewhere where I have to get all dressed up!

Find my true love.

Be absolutely happy!

Smile all day because I can!

Know what being loved, really loved, feels like!

Take a trip on a train.

Ride in a cab in NY City.

Have a huge Christmas Tree.

Dance, dance, dance in the rain!

Rescue a lot of dogs!

Help someone know Christ!

Realize my journey!

Be important to someone special.

Be surprised!

Own a convertible!

Go to Nashville.

Stay in a Bed & Breakfast in the mountains!

Shop and not have to look at the price tags!

Spend a week in the Keys!

Go on an awesome adventure!

Realize my value.

Meet Willy Nelson!

Be a redhead!

Own a candy apple red Jag!

Sing a Karaoke song in front of a crowd!

Have a really good friend.

I CaN MoVe MoUnTaiNs!



Holidays Already? Really!

I'm not sure whether to say hooray or humbug! I would love to enjoy the season of holidays that are coming up.   I'm really going to try but I'm not sure I know how.  I've never had much success with that.  My mother loved holidays.  All of them.  They were always so much fun.  I have great memories of our holidays as a family.  I always loved them too.  Then I got married.

I cannot remember one holiday that was enjoyable while I was married.  Not one!  Somehow or another my X found a way to ruin them.  All of them.  For 37 years!  That's a really long time.  I always tried to make sure my children had great holidays and for the most part I think they did.  No matter what my X did, I tried to act like it didn't bother me, so the kids would enjoy the holiday.  I guess I did a good job at that because they both love holidays!

I haven't had a Christmas tree for probably a good 10 years because I got so tired of hearing my X complain about how much they cost.  After all it was just going to be thrown out by the curb anyway.  Mr. Scrooge had nothing on him.  I got a Christmas gift from him the first year we were married and then never again. Nothing for 37 years.  I never received a birthday present from him, not even a card.  Nothing for Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Anniversaries, etc.  I guess you get the idea.  Every year I'd think, "Surely he will get me something."  I would give him plenty of ideas.  I don't know why I always did that.  I would think that this is the year he would care enough to get me something.  All that did was make me even more disappointed than ever because it never happened.

Last year after my divorce was final and I moved into my condo, I decided to get a Christmas tree.  I was really looking forward to it.  I bought the tree and decorated it but somehow it didn't have the WOW factor I thought it would have.  There wasn't any complaining or whining, after all, I was free to make my own decisions and do what I wanted to do.  Maybe I was just expecting too much.  This year I don't think I'm going to get a tree.  Maybe I should start celebrating

Festivus instead (All you Seinfeld fans know what I'm talking about)! It's depressing not to have someone to share it with.  Maybe that's what the problem was.   I was hoping that this was the year I would get to start a new tradition actually enjoying the holiday season with someone special.  Apparently this is not that year.

I need to figure out how to re-train myself to enjoy the Holidays.  They all have such  negative feelings attached to them.  They have bad memories that I'd love to replace with great memories.  Of course it's wonderful to have my children and grandchildren close.  That really helps, but it's the time spent alone that I have a hard time with.  the hard part is when I open my front door to absolute silence.

I am going to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with family even though I'm the only single one there and I guess I'm going to have to endure the X being there this year (Ugg).  I am going to enjoy Black Friday shopping with my daughter and her friend!  It's always shop till you drop!  I love that!  Then I think I'll watch "It's A Wonderful Life" as many times as I can find it being shown until Christmas (My favorite movie!).  I don't see any holiday parties in my future.  Actually, I've never been to a holiday party except at my daughter's house.  I love those, but I always thought it would be a great adventure to get all dressed up and go somewhere I've never been before.  

I think I already know what my New Year's resolution will be. It's not going to be to lose weight, or
eat healthier, though I should do both of those things. It won't be get organized and throw things away that I don't need.  I am already overly organized and I'm not a "keeper of stuff" so there isn't anything to throw away.

I think my resolution will be to spend the new year figuring out what it is that makes me happy and

then doing it!  I want to take a vacation!  I can't remember the last time I had one.  It's been many years.  And I'm going to make a bucket list.  I don't have one.  Not only am I going to make one,  I'm going to start crossing things off of it! 

I Will Enjoy the Holiday Season!

Veteran's Day

My father served 28 years in the United States Navy.  He was very well respected by the men that served with him.  More than that, he was well respected by his family.  My father bled red, white and blue until the day he took his last breath.  He loved this country and gave most of his life preserving the freedom we all enjoy today.

In honor of Veteran's Day, my father, and all the men and women who sacrificed and sacrifice still today, to allow us to live free, here is a little bit of my life as a child.

One of my favorite memories of my dad, though there were so many, was what he called, "holding colors."  We lived in a trailer all of my life, in trailer parks wherever my dad was stationed, of mostly military families. We were the only family when we lived in Norfolk, that had a huge flag pole right outside the front door.  Almost every morning my older sister,  my baby sister, and I would have to raise the flag.  In the evening it was always a ceremony to lower it. We all had to stand at the flagpole at attention.  Of course, if dad was home, he would salute it.  My older sister and I would have to fold the flag.  Dad taught us the proper way to fold the flag.  I wonder how many kids today know how to fold an American flag?  Of course, as kids, we wanted no part of this.  I would say to my dad almost every day, "Dad, this is so embarrassing!  No one else is standing outside doing this." He would say, "Our family shows respect for our flag and our country."   Enough said!

As an adult, I would like to say, thank you dad!  Thank you for teaching me honor, respect, and values.  Thank you for giving me that "never quit" attitude.  Thank you for teaching me how to "soldier on" through pain and adversity.  I love you and miss you.

I've always had a deep love and respect for our flag, our country, and the men and women that shed their blood so I could be "embarrassed" as a child, "holding colors!"  It brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about it.  I would love to stand and salute that flag today with my dad.  Thank you,
veterans and families, for the tremendous sacrifice.

 I am forever one grateful American!

Happy Anniversary!

I don't often "toot" my own horn, but HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to ME!!!!

Yesterday was my ONE year anniversary in my condo!  I know some of you are saying "Big deal!"  I hear you, but it has been such an amazing year for me!  I am sooo joyous!  Why, you ask?

I am joyous because one year ago my divorce just became final!  Yeah me!  My life held so many question marks.  Like, can I live alone?  I'd never stayed by myself. Will I have enough money to pay my bills?  I had never been responsible for everything in my life.  Can I find comfort?  Can I overcome the last 38 years?  I'm a survivor, but can I survive?  Can I be truly happy?  Can I find someone I care about and actually have a relationship?

Here's what the last year has shown me.  I found out: Not only can I live alone, I LOVE it!  I really do.  I love only being responsible for myself.  I love that it's my laundry I'm doing and my dinner I'm cooking.  It's my house I'm cleaning.  I know that may sound selfish, but I've been cooking and cleaning for a family since I was 18.  It's never been about what I want, but what will make my family happy.  I am so enjoying it being about me!

Can I find comfort?  Oh, I'm so comfortable sometimes it scares me!  You know everyone's life has stress at times, but my old life was always stressful, every minute of it.  I laugh now because my biggest stresses so far are laughable compared to one year ago!

I love being responsible for me alone!  I'm a good person, so I don't cause myself any trouble! (I'm laughing!).

Can I overcome the last 38 years of my life?  OH YES I CAN!!!!  Today showed me that.  How, you ask?  Today I got an email from my X that a dentist bill came to his mothers house where he now lives (I'm laughing again!  Sorry). I told him I'd come by and get it.  I called my former mother-in-law 4 times but it didn't go through right and she didn't pick up, so I rode by.  Her front door was open so I pulled in to park.  I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I have not been there for 1 1/2 years.  I couldn't bring myself to go there.  My dog who was 9 years old when I gave him up in the divorce is there.  It broke my heart to let him go but there is always so much collertal damage in a divorce.  I realized that God had decided that today was my day to climb that mountain.  As I parked, I said," Ok God, I understand.  Please stay with me.  I can't face this mountain by myself."  You know what happened?  I walked into her house with a smile.  I petted my sweet boy, Sirus.  It was ok. The big thing I realized was that I WAS OK!  I did it.  Not only did I survive it, I had victory over it!  Yeah God!  That's the great thing about God.  Just when you think you can't do something, He shows you just how strong and courageous you are through Him!!!!

What I want you to know is that God will carry you as long as you need Him too, just ask!  He truly will!  How awesome is that! 

 I can't wait to see what God has in store for me in the coming year. I've come so far from where I was when I would say that I can't see the forest for all the trees.   That my life was so dark I couldn't see the light.  I didn't think my mind would heal or that my heart could survive such destruction, but it did and I am so blessed to be here to share it all with you!

Happy Anniversary To Me!